A Lifetime With You
by Adobo-chan
Summary: COMPLETE. AU. Some people have many loves that come and go, while others have one great love for an entire lifetime. Karin is among the latter. HitsuKarin
1. The Build Up

**AN:** OMG! I am on a roll, people! LOL I swear, I haven't written anything like this in months, and then the next thing I know I'm pumping out words by the thousands. Haha. I am very excited to present to you (what should have been a one-shot, but turned into a 7,000 word and still counting story) my latest fanfic.

**Warnings**: Some angst, and perhaps just a little OOCness. I changed their childhood personas to match their adult ones (because it's hard to age people correctly when the story jumps around a bit; you'll see).

_Summary_: [Two-shot. AU.] Some people have many loves that come and go, while others have one great love for an entire lifetime. Karin is among the latter. HitsuKarin

* * *

><p><em>Five Years Old<em>

"I'm home!" calls a nine-year-old Ichigo, toeing off his shoes in the dugout in front of the door. Two girls are coming down the hall when they here the latch close, one decidedly more chipper and quicker than her counterpart.

"Welcome home, Onii-chan!" cries the brown-haired girl, gazing up at her brother with adoring eyes, hands tucked neatly behind her. He smiles at the enthusiastic greeting, patting the youngest on the head with his usual grin. His eyes drift to the corner, where he spies another girl jutting her head around the corner.

"Yo, Ichi-nii," says the other twin, her welcome back understated to go hand-in-hand with the boredom lining her dark eyes. Unlike her younger sister, this girl's attention attaches to the group currently behind her brother, noting that she didn't know any of the four presences behind him. She didn't bother with pleasantries.

"Who are you people, and why are you in my house?" She gave them a half-lidded stare.

"Definitely a Kurosaki," one of the chuckles, eyeing the precocious brat with an amused smirk. His fire red hair is fairly long, tied high on his head in a way that might've resembled a girl's ponytail, if not for the spikes. She frowns at the statement, somewhat insulted that he could generalize her so easily.

"She's got the same look in her eyes as Ichigo," another howls, laughing as he realizes the resemblance. It earns the one she has now dubbed 'the bald one' a glare as well, feeling her eye twitch at the comparison.

"At least his sisters are more beautiful than him," the pretty boy on the far right remarks, nodding his head with sureness. He gets a rather angry response from the orange-haired kid in question, pointing a finger at him and causing a scene in a very inconvenient place. It only makes the dark-haired one laugh, flicking that lengthy bob of his with a smile.

"That's enough, Kurosaki," calls out the last boy.

All stares fall on him, his white hair much too shocking to be unnatural and standing noticeably shorter than the rest. But he certainly had more charisma than the others. Karin couldn't help but think that if Ichigo was the epicenter of their little group, then this one was their unofficial leader. Teal green eyes slide over to hers, showing a nonchalant arrogance that rubs her the wrong way. She sticks out her tongue before pulling her head back from the corner, walking straight into her mother coming down the hall.

"_Hora_, what do we have here?" she asks, patting Karin's head and intercepting a running Yuzu. The woman known as Kurosaki Masaki is greeted by the band of misfits, who introduce themselves as Ichigo's friends. When she invites them in for snacks, the rambunctious boys cheer and run in, save for the one known as Hitsugaya Toushirou. Instead, he strides in with a certain grace that will one day become his signature.

* * *

><p><em>Six Years Old<em>

Karin is crying to herself, alone along the bank of the river in their small city called Karakura. She's been crying for days to be honest, holing herself up in her room, sobbing as quietly as she can so as not to worry anyone in their house. During the occasions she finally does stop, she's only met by the half-dead stares of what's left of her family, their shining star gone and leaving a black hole in her presence.

Last week, Kurosaki Masaki died in a car crash.

The house has been so painfully silent without her, no laughter, no hope, and certainly no love. It felt as if it had been drained of her light after she had saved her son from an oncoming car. It was a tragedy, people said, saying their condolences with care. But they too left, leaving the grieving family to their private, reclusive world.

Within the first few days, Yuzu had taken on the housework, realizing her father couldn't even get out of bed without a haunting look in his non-seeing gaze. Ichi-nii had cried his heart out, sobbing for the woman he had loved more than his own life. And Karin… She was just trying to stay strong, trying not to fall flat on her face when she walked or cry when she was supposed to laugh. They were all trying to deal, just a little bit, on their own and with their own guilt.

"Girls shouldn't be out here by themselves."

Head snapping up, Karin's tear-streaked face meets with the emotionless countenance of Toushirou, her brother's friend and soccer buddy. Vaguely she remembers he had been at the funeral, along with the others, looking solemn and respectful for the woman they had known as a second mother. The loss had been a faint echo of her own, and it was a little comforting to know that there were others who loved this woman as she did.

Wiping away her tears, she sniffles and turns her gaze to the still water, reflecting the glow of the sunset. She sees out of the corner of her eye that he has settled down next to her, a bit away to give some space. He doesn't offer anything as an icebreaker, no words of advice or comfort. They just sit there for a while, perhaps an eternity, until the reds of the sky mixes with the cobalt of the night and gives way to darkness.

He's the first to move then, standing up and dusting off his pants. He peers down at the oddly silent Kurosaki girl, not recalling a time when she had ever been so quiet. Her melancholy is still heavy on her shoulders, making her look as if she hasn't slept for days. Realizing that she probably hasn't, Hitsugaya grabs her attention by holding out his hand, though she looks at it curiously as if she's never seen the gesture.

With a roll of his eyes, he says, "give me your hand. I'm taking you home."

When she does, Karin is pulled to her feet and led down the creek to the concrete stairs. They walk back side-by-side in a familiar calm, his steps decisive and sure while hers are a bit more of a shuffle as she tries to keep up with his strides. He keeps his hand clasped in hers, protectively making sure she didn't end up wandering away or getting lost (even if she already knew how to get to her own home). They arrive at the clinic soon enough and he brings her to the door, knocking on it. Before anyone answers, he meets her gaze, an authoritative look against her questioning one.

"It's okay to be sad, but you shouldn't be sad by yourself," he chastises, lifting his hand so he can ruffle her hair as she squawks in protest. "Hard times shared will half the burden, and good times shared with double the joy. If you really want to cry, then do it with people you trust and who love you because they're suffering too."

He leaves then, walking back and disappearing just as if he'd never been there. The door opens and it's Ichigo glaring at her, wondering where she's been and why she's alone. Karin tries to explain that she'd been with Hitsugaya, but her older brother doesn't buy it and unceremoniously picks her up and brings her into the house. It's strange and perhaps the weirdest thing that's happened to her in a while, but it also makes her laugh and she knows it's a sound that's long overdue.

She smiles softly throughout dinner for the first time in a week.

* * *

><p><em>Eleven Years Old<em>

"Karin, we're gonna get massacred!"

"Yeah! Why'd you have to challenge a bunch of middle schoolers to a game?"

"We should just practice eating spaghetti through our noses." All four boys sigh, agreeing.

"C'mon you guys, buck up!" exclaims the only feminine voice out of the bunch, pumping her fist into the air. Kurosaki Karin was as much of a tomboy as she could be, but had enough spirit and backbone to put others of either gender to shame. "All we have to do is win one game! Besides, this isn't about the field but the principle! Do you wanna get pushed around forever?"

"You've been pushing us around forever," one mutters. It's not muted enough, however, as he finds himself in a deadly headlock. The other three are panicking, their shouts a combination of trying to stop their fearless leader and reprimanding the other for his insensitive comment. They don't notice two others approaching.

"Karin-chan, I think you've won," the newcomer says, eyeing her technique with interest and feeling impressed despite the situation. Looking up from beneath the bill of her cap, she grins widely at them and drops her victim to the floor. She doesn't even bother to say anything to him as he writhes on the floor, gasping for air like a beached carp.

"Renji, Toushirou," she smiles, running to stand in front of them. They're on their way back from weekend practice, as Karin observes the kendo armor on the redhead's back and the duffel bag the other was holding. Immediately, a stroke of genius hits her.

"Toushirou, can you do me a favor?" she asks, her smile immediately ten times sweeter. It gets a laugh out of Abarai and a scowl from the other, who has seen that grin far too many times to know that nothing good comes from it.

"No," he replies gruffly, watching as the mischievous look falls from her face. Crossing her arms over her chest, she looks at him indignantly, a stare she had copied from her brother. Ichigo had done a number on this one. She was going to turn out just like him.

"You don't even know what it is yet!"

"If it has something to do with you, then it's definitely no good." He shrugs easily, knowing his friend's sister almost as well as he knew his friend. She was always looking for a way to cause trouble, getting in people's hair (oftentimes, his) to help bail her out of things or just generally make life as hell-like as possible.

"But—!"

"No 'but's, I'm not getting into the middle of this." Turning away, he can almost see the dark pout on her face, just that barest of guilt sinking in. For some reason, he always had the hardest time telling a girl no, but it was especially difficult saying it to someone he actually cared about. Renji caught up to him as he finished saying goodbye to Karin and her friends, grasping Hitsugaya's shoulder to catch his attention.

"Are you sure you don't wanna hear her out? I mean, it's not like you couldn't say no afterward," he pries, trying to play the mediator as he always did in these kinds of situations. He half-shrugs, trying not to fall into the other's meddling.

A few days later, he cuts across the park as he usually does on his way home from school, feeling the lethargy seep deep into his bones. He passes by a number of couples, married and teenage alike, children playing on a structure nearby and even a familiar old field he had grown up with. Shooting it a nostalgic look, Hitsugaya's eyes fall on a very familiar brunette, running drills like the leader she was and her soccer buddies nearly passing out with the effort. He can't help but wonder why they're practicing so hard and so long (he'd just finished practice himself, after all) when one of them calls out to their unofficial coach.

"Kurosaki, can we stop? We've been practicing all day!" he pants, falling to the ground and reclining on his hands behind him, wheezing out a few breaths. The others soon do the same, hitting the floor and looking as if they'd been rung dry by their exhaustion. Karin places her hands on her hips, her eyes narrowing at their tiredness.

"We can't! We only have three days until the game and we'll need all the field time we can get if we wanna beat those middle school bullies!" she retorts, snorting at their lack of stamina. She knew she was their best player, but it took a team to play soccer. They needed to pull it together or they'd never live their defeat down.

_So that's what she wanted_, Hitsugaya thought, watching as she barked orders and pointed fingers threateningly at each of them. That damned conscience of his was getting to him, taking him back to that moment when he wouldn't even let her ask for his help before turning her down. It wasn't Karin's style to depend on anyone, but for her to let down her guard enough to try, this game must be something special.

Battling with his demons for a second longer, he can't help but sigh at himself, resigned. He slides down the grassy plane and towards the group, coming up behind a rather frustrated Kurosaki. Her four friends look up at him with wide eyes, causing confusion to fall on her own face. She turns to see the white-haired boy, a soccer ball in hand and that usual nonplussed look on his face. She makes a move to say something scathing, wanting revenge for his earlier snub, but he puts the ball down and passes it to her, telling her where to go and how to run it. His interference breathes life back into the other boys, who smile as if their savior has come in the form of a high school teenager who frowned too much.

Besides the usual commands, he and Karin don't say much to each other, preferring to communicate with their actions and expressions, much more used to that than needless words. She doesn't need to tell him that they'll be practicing here until Saturday, and he doesn't do a thing to tell her that he'll be back to help out. But he shows up just as if he had, and she doesn't act surprised when he finds them when they have to move spots on Friday, as if knowing where she was going to be anyway.

When he shows up at the Kurosaki residence on Sunday, his notes in hand for Ichigo to copy, she greets him with a smile that says, 'we won… thanks to you.'

* * *

><p><em>Thirteen Years Old<em>

Karin makes her way to Karakura High on a mission to find her brother. Her bag is heavy because of some rather unusual luggage, but it doesn't deter her, as she places a hand on it because she's afraid of jumbling the contents. She was sent here on Yuzu's orders, who demanded she deliver the gifts and do her grocery shopping for the week while she herself did her regular chores. With little else to do and no excuses she could legitimately cite, Karin had left the house still in her sailor uniform.

Getting to the gates, she recalls the familiar buildings and wonders if her brother is out of practice yet. He changes teams much too often, so she can't be sure which one to ask for if she needed to look for him. To ease some of her worries, she checks on the packages, smiling to see that all of them are intact, blushing at one that's particularly large.

For you see, today is Valentine's Day and half of her mission was to deliver chocolate.

It had become a sort of tradition after fifth grade to make chocolates for Ichigo and his friends. After an incident where they ate all of the ones they had made for the boys in their class, Yuzu promised to make them their own batch as long as they didn't eat theirs. Ever since then, she's become a messenger girl of sorts, bringing newly made chocolate to Ichi-nii's school for the ever-hungry group of misfits that had since grown to include a rather large half-Latino male named Sado and the other school genius (aside from Hitsugaya) Ishida. It was always a tall order to fill, but it made her delivery something she looked forward to each year.

As for the largest chocolate… She blushes a little, as she remembered what her sister had said. 'Give it to Hitsugaya-kun,' Yuzu whispered, winking conspiratorially as she encased each piece in pretty, see-through plastic bags with a bow tied at the top. Her sputtering was loud and over exaggerated, as she did her best to deny and insult the older boy as best as she could while trying not to look completely humiliated.

_Speaking of him…_ she thinks, noticing a shock of white hair coming out of the building, and her heart thuds a bit in her chest. She almost calls out for him, but stops when she notices the look on his face.

Hitsugaya Toushirou, the boy voted most likely to glare his way through life, had the softest look she had ever seen on his face, as he watched the person next to him talk animatedly, hands waving and mouth laughing about whatever they were discussing. It was a girl beside him, one that was pretty, had hair as dark as hers but pulled into a tight bun and eyes that looked like the night sky. She was small, quite a bit shorter than him and barely taller than Karin's still growing self, but she's captured his attention, wholly and fully.

As they make their way closer to her, she can feel a piece of her heart break.

"Oh, Karin. Is that you?" he asks, his eyes falling on her now. That old, emotionless stare of his is back, a brow rising in congruence with his question. Hands tightening on the strap of her bag, she nods, not quite finding her voice. She gets a curious look from the other girl, who looks between them before nudging the man beside her, the action seemingly familiar between them.

"This is Hinamori from my class. Hinamori, this is Karin, Kurosaki's little sister." The comment shouldn't mean anything, but it still manages to damage her heart again, as she realizes just how far from him she really is. She's been reduced to his good friend's sister, not even considered a friend herself. She can't help but feel something hollow begin to fill the inside of her, taking that place that was once so enamored with this boy. She tried not to let the sensation harden her features, as she greeted the girl with a polite bow.

"Oh, so you're Ichigo-kun's sister? You're so pretty!" she compliments, saying how she'd never had guessed because their coloring was different. Karin does her best to be courteous, explaining how he was a little closer to their mother's and she was more similar to their father's. They make small talk, as Karin does her best not to allow her eyes to drift to Toushirou. She's saved by a familiar, all-male crowd coming out of the school and making their usual inane chatter, staggered in a formation they had unconsciously adopted.

"Oi, Karin. What're you doing here?" Ichigo says, noticing the teenage girl when he reaches the gate.

"It's Valentine's Day, idiot. She's here every year," Ishida reprimands, the most oriented to the makeshift traditions they took part in. It gains an angry retort from the orange-haired boy, which spawns a small battle between them. Chad moves to stop them just as Karin panics inside herself, a sinking feeling coming back to her. There's no way she can give Toushirou that oversized candy, not with this girl here or all of his friends. It makes her heart speed up at the thought of his rejection, knowing he'd do it even if it was just to save face. Perhaps he could even do it for real, she thinks helplessly, considering how close he was to this girl.

"That's right," she interrupts, going to open the bag, making sure to avoid any and all eye contact. She slips out the baggies, handing the regular-sized ones to each of them, especially careful to make sure Hitsuagaya's is among them. When Ichigo inquires about his, she smiles as she hands him the largest one, playing it off by saying Yuzu had made too much chocolate and didn't want it to go to waste.

"Besides," she continues, forcing a laugh and turning decidedly away from the couple behind her, "wouldn't it be weird if our own brother didn't get something more special?"

"You guys just wanted some later, didn't you?" his voice serious, but eyes teasing in that boyish way only he could use, earning a real chuckle from her.

"Can't get anything passed you, Ichi-nii," she smiles easily, nodding to everyone as they voiced their thanks, some even biting into it without another thought. Vaguely she heard Toushirou make an uncommittal noise in appreciation, but nothing else. Trying to control an uncharacteristic rush of sadness, she tells Ichigo about their mandatory shopping spree, getting a rather indignant moan in response. But she's not taking his melodrama today, firmly grabbing his arm and leading him passed the gate and down the street. The siblings turn back to wave everyone off, as they go in the other direction. Unconsciously, Karin's eyes fall on Hitsugaya's back, feeling her sorrow show just a little bit on her features.

He's holding that girl's hand in his own.

* * *

><p><em>Seventeen Years Old<em>

"I'm home," a deceptively feminine voice calls out, tired from summer practice despite it only being mid-afternoon. Readjusting each bag on her shoulders, she goes down the hall to be greeted by a filled living room and a cooking Yuzu.

"Welcome back," the group choruses, and she immediately drops one of the bags to the floor, caught off guard by the college students who had infiltrated her home. Her eyes fall on faces she's known for a long time, and some newer ones she's met in passing.

She avoids sea-green eyes at all costs.

"Why are you all in my house?" she asks, and a feeling of déjà vu coming over her and causing three of them to laugh.

"Definitely a Kurosaki," Renji replies, grinning that oversized smile of his in a way that's both affectionate and mocking, as her mind pulls out the memory of their first meeting. She hides a blush when she bends to take the fallen sack and hang it precariously on her shoulder.

"Still doesn't tell me why you're chilling in my living room," she flipped her head to the side, jostling her equipment and making her comprehend just how much stuff she was carrying. She moves to put it somewhere out of the way, preparing to make some decent conversation despite the fact that they haven't really seen much of each other since Ichigo and them had graduated more than two years ago.

It had been a defining moment for her, as she watched them parade out with the largest grins, diplomas in hand. But it had hurt to see them walk away even more, staring at their backs when she saw her childhood companion wrap an arm around his girlfriend and disappear to some after party. It was that same night that Karin had decided to give up on that part of herself, determined to put it away and forget her feelings that were starting to solidify into something not merely infatuation, something that she had been becoming more and more terrified of.

When the next semester rolled around, she had thrown herself into school and clubs, studying as hard as she ran a soccer ball across a field or hit an opponent during a match. By doing so, she had unintentionally gained a reputation more or less the same as Hitsugaya's or Ishida's. It was funny how irony loved to mess with her life. She had never heard a teacher talk about her without a certain prodigy's name being in the sentence.

It was both flattering and completely heartbreaking.

"Oh, Karin, what's with all your sports stuff?" asks a black-haired girl, as she sat up to glance at the younger girl placing them aside. Her head cocks to the side questioningly, her blunt cut falling into her face a little.

"I had practice today, Rukia-nee," she replies happily, eyeing the older woman fondly. She and her family had been introduced a year ago when Ichigo had gotten home for winter break, telling them that she was his girlfriend with the reddest color on his cheeks. All of them found her a bit too well-bred to be with someone as rough-and-tumble as Ichigo, but that idea was completely destroyed when she promptly kicked him in the face for not respecting their father, who had attempted to tackle his only son into a hug. After that, she was practically family.

"Clubs? You have two bags, so you're in two sports clubs?"

"Not just the clubs, but the teams as well," Yuzu jumps in, happy to brag about her sister. Karin snorts, trying to appear unfazed but just a little proud of her achievements, if she was being completely honest. "She's the vice captain and a starter on the soccer team, plus she's one of the top kendo fighters in our district. Karin's even gone to National's in both leagues!"

"That's enough, Yuzu. There's no need to tell them my life story," she sighs, but doesn't miss the impressed looks from them. Madarame looks like he's itching to ask her for a fight, but is held back by a chastising Yumichika. Ishida, Chad and Rukia express their congratulations, while Renji and Ichigo look exceedingly proud (Karin had the distinct feeling they believed she was their protégé or something). Hinamori is there too, sitting alongside Orihime, Uryuu's girlfriend for the last four years or so, and they too seem surprised but excited for her.

Against her better judgment, her stare meets Toushirou's from across the room. To most, it looked as if he had no particular sentiment for or against her athletic prowess, but she could see an endearing spark behind those glass eyes. But it was the kind of look one gave a child who had done something amazing, and it caused a pinch of anger in her, as she turned her head away to grab a juice box from the back of the fridge.

_What were you expecting to see?_ she asks herself, completely ashamed for even looking at him with some sort of expectation. Nothing had changed between them since she was a child, and it most likely never would. Better that it was reinforced here and now than to allow herself another moment of weakness. And yet somehow, just knowing that he was nearby again made it feel as if the years of hard work and promises to get over him were falling to pieces around her. She couldn't help but wonder about how far she'd come, and if it would ever be enough for her to escape him for good.

"Karin-chan, you're too modest," Momo says from her seat, eyes wide and delighted, just as pretty as she'd been so many years ago.

"Ah, no, not really," she answers, not wanting any sort of praise from her. Early on, Karin had wanted to hate this girl so badly, despise her for taking away the one person in life she'd ever truly wanted, but it was hard thing to actually do. Hinamori was kind, if not a bit too delicate for her tastes, but she was bright and bubbly, a peal of sunshine on a cloudy day. So while it should have been easy to hate her in theory, it was rather difficult in real life.

"Aren't you also the top of your class?" Ichigo inquires, looking up as if wondering where he'd heard it.

"Yeah! Karin's graduating valedictorian at the end of the year!"_ Yuzu just loves to talk about people other than herself_, her older twin frowns, huffing a bit at being the current topic of choice. Before Karin can put a stop to her sister's rambling, however, she moves forward on the tangent without another thought. "She also ranked first on the national exams recently. Daddy and I were _so_ proud!"

There's no intention to flatter her, but it doesn't make the reddening of her cheeks any less intense. She decides to drink her juice in silence, eyes gazing out the kitchen window in hopes that they'll forget her and move onto something else. But that's not the case when Ishida joins the foray, pushing up his glasses and smirking a bit.

"You're certainly bright than your brother, Karin-chan. Your brother's fairly intelligent, but incredibly lazy," he offers, and it sparks an argument that never fails to arouse laughter amongst them. It's been a while since the house has been so lively, and it almost makes Karin smile, but then she notices just how much she needs a shower and maybe a good long nap. She gets up to excuse herself so she can put her stuff away.

"By the way, Karin, we're going out to dinner tonight. Wanna come?" Ichigo asks, as she moves to take her things up to his former bedroom. She looks confused, asking why Yuzu was cooking in the first place if they had plans, and finds out that it's for Isshin for when he gets back tonight from some conference or whatever. The thought doesn't sit well in her stomach. She isn't sure she can sit in front of Hitsugaya for an entire meal without giving herself away or, at the very least, doing something embarrassing.

"I think I'll pass," is her reply, getting a unanimous protest from everyone in the room. Well, everyone except _him_. He's as silent as ever, his arm draped over Hinamori's shoulders but with the blandest look on his face. Smiling and trying to look apologetic, she drops off her stuff and grabs her things for a shower. She relaxes there for a while, wading through her jumbled thoughts before deciding against sleep for now and to just enjoy the rest of her day in peace. When she's clean and dressed in her pajamas, she's at her desk writing new plays to try tomorrow, hair wrapped in a towel, when a knock sounds on her door.

"Come in," she welcomes, not even looking up from her hunched form to greet the guest.

"I see you're in Kurosaki's room now."

Her heart skips for a second at the all-too-memorable bass of that voice, as she closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, trying to get control of her nerves. She also motions to remove the towel from her head, her hair kinked and curled from the water, as she puts the cloth on the the bed. Turning in her swiveling office chair, she meets Hitsugaya's eyes with guarded pleasantness, a small curve on her lips.

"Yeah, I moved in right after graduation, but he crashes here when he stays the night," Karin offers in explanation, wondering why he was even here. He had spent the good part of her small talk completely silent, and now he was visiting her in her own room. It all smelled very suspicious to her. He nodded his understanding, moving onto the next subject without an ounce of tact.

"The others sent me up to see if you had changed your mind about dinner."_ Ah_, so that's it. Her slight crush hadn't been a secret (to anyone who noticed, which was pretty much everyone except Hitsugaya, Orihime and Momo) so they knew her soft spot for him would get them results that they themselves couldn't. She could feel a small sense of betrayal at their assumption, as if they knew she'd been trying her hardest to get over the older man.

But she couldn't blame them for their ignorance. After all, if this was another time and she had been the same girl she was a few years ago, she'd have probably caved with nothing more than a half-hearted fight and a laugh, at best. He had made her so incredibly weak against him, even she had found it pathetic. But the past is not today. Now, she can feel the need within her to turn him out, to defend what little progress she has made by pushing him as far away as possible. So she smiles at him politely, but with no emotion in it, turning back to her paper and continuing her work.

"I'm afraid you're out of luck. Tell them I'm sorry, but I'm not really feeling up to dinner." At least that was the truth. Now that she was in his presence, her appetite had suddenly vanished and what was left in its place was a bitter feeling she that had nested inside herself long ago. Hoping that was all he needed from her, she grabs a new sheet and begins to rewrite her completed formation, wondering who she could place in each position.

"Are you sure?" he presses on, and she finds the question irritating for no apparent reason. Before now, he wouldn't have cared, would have shrugged it off and said goodbye without a backwards glance. Perhaps he feels like he and her should catch up. Always a stickler for common courtesy and the like, she knew it was most likely out of duty that he asked in the first place, as if she was a stranger he needed to make nice with. It almost made her heart hurt, but this time in a different way. It was sad how far they'd drifted apart.

"Yeah, Hitsugaya, I'm good." The name is foreign on her tongue, so much so she almost trips on it. It's funny because she doesn't need to glance at him to see the perplexed look on his face. Never had she called him by his surname, not even when he had commanded her to at five years old, where she retaliated by running around the house, yelling 'Toushirou!' just to get a reaction out of him. The memory almost makes her smile, but she bites it back, fighting to refocus on her task and carry out her charade until he left.

"Are you okay?" he asks after a moment, going over and touching her shoulder. She can't help that she flinches at the touch, pushing the offending hand off her as if frightened by it. Then Karin is standing up, turning around to look at him while leaning against the desk, eyes uncharacteristically wide and gazing at him with an unreadable look on her face.

"Karin, are you okay?" he repeats, his frown underlined with worry, his tone matching it. It snaps her out of her alarm then, as she relaxes but doesn't get any closer to him. She laughs, sounding strained and maybe a little regretful to his ears, as she reaches to scratch the back of her head. It was an old habit of hers, he recognizes, one that she did when she was stressed and unsure.

"I'm fine. You should go down now. They're probably waiting for you," she tried to sound sweet, as if she wasn't trying to send him from her room, down the street and as far away from her as physically possible. She points to the clock on the wall reading '6:42' with its hands, both of them knowing that the reservation is for seven sharp. He's running out of time and she knows it, uses it to her advantage even, as she pushes him out the door and into the hallway. "Have a good night," she says, before slamming the door in his face.

He stares at it for a while, not sure what just happened and moves to knock on her door to ask what's wrong again, but is stopped by a voice calling him from downstairs. Fighting with himself for a bit, Hitsugaya can only sigh as he decides to turn away, moving towards the stairs hesitantly. He stops just as he's about take the steps down, his eyes falling back on the closed door, before finally descending. On the other side, Karin is on the floor leaning against it, curled into a protective huddle.

But she doesn't cry.

* * *

><p><strong>AN<strong>: For all of you who didn't know, I am actually a huge angst fan, which means that a lot of my stories will be sad BUT will have happy endings. I write almost every story that way. I don't know why. Maybe I'm missing something normal in this brain of mine. Haha.

Anyways!** Please review, favorite and alert!** I love knowing your guys' thoughts so feel free to let me know. Makes my day just a little brighter. :)


	2. The Realization

**AN:** I don't know why I even bother trying to write two-shots. They just end up getting longer and longer... -_-;; I'm sorry for having to extend this again, guys, but unfortunately it is a necessary evil. This story is a monster, I swear. LOL Enjoy!

**Warnings**: Lots of words. Well, _I_ think it does at least. Nothing else, really.

* * *

><p><em>Twenty Years Old<em>

"Let's leave," Karin says to her friend, trying to be heard over the pounding bass of the music and chatter of other people in the club. It was her good friend's birthday celebration, and since she was now legal she had made it a point to take everyone out for a night on the town. The only problem?

Ichigo was just a few tables down, glaring death onto her.

It wasn't that she was there illegally (she had turned twenty long before her friend, after all), but a night out with her protective older brother wasn't exactly her idea of 'fun.' Not only that, but he was still hanging out with the same guys he'd been with since _forever_, and they too were either horribly awkward at the development or immensely entertained at her expense.

"Oh, come on, Karin! Lighten up!" the birthday girl says, but it's too loud and her voice is slurring a bit, which makes the elder roll her eyes heavenward. Of course her friend would be a lightweight on top of choosing the worst possible place for her to be at tonight. At least one thing was for sure: she refused to hold her hair while the other threw up those pink and green cocktails she liked so much. So she moves away from the bar and tries to do what her friend says, going out into the dance floor while looking for a good time in her own manmade hell.

She finds that she's naturally attracted to music early on when she occasionally joined in on the college party scene. Karin is comfortable in her own skin, and it shows when she wants it to, as she finds a spot in the sea of people and moves to a beat so she can get lost in it. Even if it's just a second, she wants to pretend she hadn't seen a certain bleach-haired man's face looking over at her, his look not quite discernible and yet so obviously disapproving.

_I don't need his permission to go out_, she thought to herself, her hands finding her hair in the smoke-filled air, as she chases out the thought. _I've spent half my life trying to get him to notice me, and the other half getting him out of my head. Honestly, I shouldn't have to do anything! It's not my problem if he can't see me grown up._

She resolves this little dispute inwardly, but finds herself growing sweaty, tired and just a little thirsty. Making it out of the jam-packed dance floor, someone offers to buy her a drink. Learning that a little flirting never hurt anyone (and that she was quite good at it, surprisingly), she grins at him in that way that most men seem to fall for. It gets him, hook, line and sinker, and she finds herself conversing with him for a while. It's nothing serious, and they both know it, but it's nice to talk to a stranger, someone who doesn't expect her to act a certain way or say certain things, unlike _him_.

"You know, you should probably go," he says about ten minutes into their conversation, laughing in that low pitch of his. She frowns a little, wondering what exactly changed his mind.

"Is something wrong?" she asks, looking confused as she furrowed her eyebrows a bit. "Did I do something to offend you?"

"Oh no, not you," he says, another chuckle as he motions with his head at something over her shoulder. "It just looks like your boyfriend over there wants to rip out my guts."

"Boyfriend?" _Does he mean Ichi-nii?_ she thinks, and immediately she's a bit disgusted at the very thought that someone could mistake them for anything other than siblings. Karin peers over her shoulder, not even trying to pretend she wasn't about to give the orange-haired man the dirtiest look she could muster, when she met a very different angry glare.

A very unforgettable, very cerulean one.

Not sure what to make of his attitude, she smiles when she turns back to her handsome guest, telling him that he was just some overbearing friend who thought of her as a sister. He looks doubtful at the explanation, saying, "I wouldn't look that mad over my little sister," but lets her break the conversation when she finishes her drink. Karin is pleased to walk away with his number in hand, feeling just a little satisfied with the unintended conquest. But make no mistake, for she was certainly no man eater, but Karin was no slouch in the dating department. However, she only fell for good, kind men, nothing more and nothing less. Karin had too much respect for her father as both a single-parent and their family's sole breadwinner to not appreciate what an honest guy had to offer.

Walking into the cool autumn night, she breathes in the clean air with a large sigh. This was supposed to be a night with her girls, a moment to just forget that her endless pursuit for knowledge was causing her hell. That agenda of hers was filled to the brim with homework, exams, her part-time job and a number of other things that had been suffocating as of late, and just when she thought there would be a moment of pure enjoyment, somehow _he_ comes along to ruin that too.

_He looked good though_, she ponders to herself, catching the admiration in her tone. It makes her frown, wondering just where the hell her backbone had gone. She didn't know how things were going on between him and Momo now, but it must have been pretty good because they were still together. The thought really shouldn't have hurt so much.

Wanting to find a place to sit that wasn't populated with patrons, she walked down to find a bench, which was in front of a now-closed café. Luckily she had her things, so she didn't need to worry about getting back in if she wanted to head home. Honestly, the slight buzz she had was long gone and her wish to dance just wasn't there anymore. She didn't want anything more than to take off her make-up, throw on some old sweats and curl up with a movie and maybe a tub of ice cream. Karin needed something comforting, something that would take her back to a time where she wasn't so weighted with responsibility and the expectancy that came with being a good student.

The sound of feet falling catches her attention. "Hey."

Looking up from her heels, she sees a rather dashing Hitsugaya Toushirou dressed in a crisp dress shirt and jeans, looking much more relaxed than she felt. She notes a twinge of jealousy over his easy gait, as he sat down next to her without falter or misstep. Her only reply is to nod in greeting, as she looked over to the nearby street, the sidewalk lined with taxis willing to take customers home.

It would be so easy to just get up, walk away and pretend she hadn't seen him for the first time in years. But, then again, it would be impossible to forget him completely, or if it was possible, she was incapable of accomplishing it. It was almost laughable that she, Kurosaki Karin, was still completely head over heels for this man, as if she was still that tomboy who wanted to follow his every move. If only her feelings could have stayed so innocently naïve, never wondering what it'd be like to hold his hand or go out on a date. It was truly a shame.

"You look nice tonight," he says, for once taking the initiative to start up a conversation. The overextending that she knew he was doing just to get her to talk was making a smile come to her face, but she fought it back, tooth and nail.

"Thank you. You too," she responds in kind, noticing how courteous they've become, a total turn from their old arguments and playful hits... well, _her_ playful hits. He had a rather strict rule about never raising a hand against a woman, regardless of the reason. (It had only made her hit him harder in retaliation.)

A particularly strong gust of wind blows, causing her loose skirt to flutter, a shiver crawling up her spine. It'd been nice out earlier so she hadn't bothered to bring a jacket and, as she looked at his empty hands, Toushirou hadn't had the foresight to grab one either. Perhaps it was a bit of fate, giving her an excuse to depart without feeling like she was ditching him.

"It's getting late. I should go," she says, standing up and smoothing her dress as she does, mindful of the short hemline on her rather tall frame. Karin notices that he also stands, a little of his usual propriety taking over. Smiling, she bows a bit, a completely normal farewell, as if they didn't have fifteen years of history behind them. As she turned away, a deep loneliness penetrates her, reminding her of what she had lost when she had given up on her one-sided love. It had been her greatest fear, to lose him because she couldn't hold back her own feelings.

Thinking about it now, it seemed like a waste of effort for he had always been out of her reach.

"Karin, wait," he calls, jogging to catch up with her, as she spins to look at him. He towers over her, even in her heels, and it's only mildly daunting. Before she can ask what he wants, he's holding out his arm, as if to escort her. She doesn't take it, doesn't even know what to do with it if she was being truthful, her head bobbing up and down to stare at his serious face and the extended limb.

"You're supposed to take it," he explains slowly, as if speaking to someone with an immensely lower IQ than his own.

"I know that," she retorts haughtily, focusing her intense gaze on that condescending face of his, knowing he was doing a good job of holding back a smirk. "What I'm trying to figure out is one, why did you offer it and two, is this some sort of trap?"

"A trap?" He raised an inquisitive brow, as if intrigued by whatever hypothesis she might have for him.

"Yeah, but I'm not entirely sure what you have to gain from trapping me. Unless Ichigo has something to do with it, then maybe I could see your endgame." It's complete nonsensical stuff, things that come to mind without the usual filter that she's so careful to keep on. But it seems that her mind has reverted to older days, a time when she didn't care about what came out of her mouth as long as it made him smile.

It seems that she'd still do anything for just a bit of his attention.

_I really am a failure_, she thinks, as she meets the glimmer in his gaze, his lips turning up in the barest of a smirk. But, at this very moment, Karin can't really bring herself to care about the details, as she felt something akin to happiness settle in her stomach. It had been a long time since he had inspired something other than heartbreak, and never had she felt something quite this close to elation.

"I'm going to head home, Hitsugaya. You can put that arm of yours away and tell my brother that his job of scaring me off has been sufficient." She doesn't miss the slight confusion in his eyes when she walks away from him, forcing herself not to look back. After all, here's only disaster in letting her guard down completely, believing that she can fall back into that easy pattern she had with him without some sort of consequence. She had learned something from all this, despite her small lapse in judgment. If she remembers right, it was Einstein who had once said that insanity was doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different outcome.

She won't return to insanity.

* * *

><p><em>Twenty-Two Years Old<em>

"We broke up."

It's the last thing she expects to hear from him, and it shows as she twists her head, giving him the most shocked look she's sure she's ever shared with anyone. After ten happy years together, Hitsugaya Toushirou and Hinamori Momo were no more. It shouldn't make her feel anything, even he doesn't show any emotion at the statement, but an emotion similar to relief is in her chest and she feels terrible for even allowing it.

Sitting on the sandy embankment and watching the tide come in, it seemed as if the world she had woken up to this morning was distinctly different from the one now. She had been invited by Ichi-nii to the beach, a summer vacation to commemorate the fact that they'd managed to gather the entire group for the first time in years. She never had been the type to pass up a good road trip, even less likely to forego free food and good company. It hadn't hit her until the actual car ride that Hitsugaya might be coming along, not until she's crammed in the very back between him and an excited Madarame, not sure whether she's angry at Fate or her considerable lack of foresight.

She hadn't bothered to ask where Hinamori was.

"I'm sorry" is her response because she's sure that's the only polite one that she can give. While she harbored no ill will towards the other girl, years of steeling herself against the other woman had made her impervious to the kind-hearted Momo. It was a defense mechanism she had always used with him, and even now, as they sit apart from the rest of the group to watch the turning sea, their noise from the bonfire just barely spilling over towards them, she's holed herself up in that shell she's so carefully built around her.

"Don't be. It's not your fault." It's a preprogrammed answer. Sadly, she can still tell when he's saying something just for the benefit of putting someone at ease. But if he is heartbroken, she can't read him; he had always been apt at hiding that part of himself from others.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" she implores, not sure if she's being a decent friend by asking or opening a can of worms she knows could be her downfall. He had never offered her anything related to his personal life, not like this at least. He was very private, and romance was definitely an off-limits topic with a girl one grew up with. It was practically an unspoken rule.

"There's nothing to tell," he begins, voice soft as it mixed with the crashing of the waves against the shore. He's got a contemplative look on his face, as if he was reliving something within him. "It hadn't been working for a while now. Hinamori… She was frustrated. I could tell she wanted more from me than I was willing to give, and it put a strain on our relationship.

"In the end, she left me for someone else."

The words are met with silence all around them. She doesn't hide her stunned face, doesn't think that she could even if she wanted to. Wondering how Momo could leave so quickly, so easily, as if he hadn't spent more than a third of her life with him set Karin's heart on fire with indignant anger that burned deep in her soul. She thought she was doing the right thing, leaving him in her care. It was heartless of her, so incredibly cruel to walk away and into some stranger's arms. Karin moves her stare towards him, trying to gauge his reaction to the words. Scarily enough, there wasn't one.

"Aren't you angry?" she asks, her voice belying her own quiet rage. Anger at Hinamori for her selfishness, anger at Hitsugaya for not showing any of the remorse one was supposed to have after a relationship ended. It made her mourn her own feelings, a time when she had to force thoughts of him out of her with everything she could muster. He, on the other hand, seemed to be mildly melancholy at best, nothing at all like a lover spurned.

"As weird as it sounds, no." His half-lidded stare is watching the water, seeing the currents and waves push and pull in predetermined paths. "I knew long ago that she and I wouldn't last forever. I was the one she wanted, but she wasn't the one I had chosen."

"What're you talking about?" He did that sometimes, and she hated it. His puzzling riddles were almost as bad as his sarcasm.

"I'm saying that she was in love with me… but it wasn't mutual."

His dreaming gaze finds her face, locking onto her with openness she had never seen on him before, let alone directed at her. But it's what those eyes present that catches her breath in her throat. He stares at her with longing, sadness and a jumble of other emotions he had never exposed, things he had locked deep within in a place she'd never been able to touch. He was looking at _her_, little Kurosaki Karin who had always been following his form, berating herself for playing the fool, and, through all of his internal chaos, he was showing her the one thing she never thought he would.

"You _knew_," she whispers, her voice cracking on the word. She scrambles to get up, to run back to the safe haven her brother's presence offers, but he's next to her just as quickly, grabbing her arms and pulling her to face him. But she gives him hell, pushing and struggling as she yells out her frustrations against him. "You knew! You knew how I felt for _years,_ Hitsugaya, but you didn't say a thing!" He manages to tame her, as tame as she could be anyways, but her protests don't die down in the slightest. "Couldn't you have the decency to let me know, you asshole? _God_, you let me believe that you were completely oblivious when even fucking _Ichi-nii_ knew, and he doesn't even remember his own birthday half the time!"

"Karin, please, calm down," he soothes, her wrists held gently but firmly in his hands. But she's too far gone, so mad and shocked and upset that even he can't quiet her bitter heart. "I didn't tell you because you were so young. I wasn't going to do something that could ruin your outlook on love. First loves should be good memories. I just… I didn't want to hurt you."

"So you wait until I'm an adult to do that, huh?" she spits back, and it has him reeling, not physically but it stings just as much. "Tell me, Hitsugaya. I'm dying to know why you'd choose now of all moments to let me know. Did you think your break-up would make me pity you?" She laughs under her breath, cold and detached in a way he's never seen her. "I had been in love with you for years, and in the end you chose to date the same girl for the last decade. How is that 'not hurting me'?"

It hangs over them, her feelings of betrayal, her stupidity for believing he might actually not know her heart. It was that knowledge that made it okay if he didn't pick her over the beautiful high school classmate who was all the things she wasn't. But Hitsugaya knew exactly what he was doing when he walked away from her that Valentine's Day. It broke her to know that he was even capable of doing something so cruel, so fully aware when he had made his decision. And now, it was her pride as a woman that hurt as much as the pieces of her heart.

"Let me go, Hitsugaya." The command is soft, but full of authority. She'd always been more of a sleeping bomb, the kind that would go off when she saw fit and never a second before. He chooses not to listen this time, his fingers tightening in disobedience, and it's all it takes for her precious patience to snap. She head butts him, a skill rarely used in a fair fight but she wasn't looking for a win but a way out. It stops him for a second, his grip loosening just long enough for her to wrench herself away, as she bolts down the shoreline. Karin curses the fact that they'd been in a spot that was much too far for comfort, wanting privacy in case someone decided to poke their head into their conversation just to make her mad. She always had lacked good decision making when faced with him.

She doesn't get more than a few yards before he's right behind her, and somehow ends up grabbing her waist when he reaches for one of her hands. It knocks her off balance and into the wet sand with him on top of her, one arm wrapped beneath her and the other placed along her head to cushion the fall. It looks incredibly intimate because their legs are entangled and their faces are inches apart, as she gazes up at him with the darkest apprehension and he's staring down at her with some indescribable look. Before she can scream at him—to let her go, to leave her alone, to ask him a million questions she's afraid to have answered—he looks straight into her eyes and says the five most devastating words he could ever utter.

"I did it for you."

"_Me_?" The thought is almost laughable, and if she wasn't about to pass out from the sheer insanity that this day was bringing her she would have, loudly and right in his face. "You dated a girl for the last ten years, made me believe you had no idea I was in love with you and then, to top it all off, you say you did it for _me_? I've heard bullshit in my life, Hitsugaya, but nothing quite like this. So, what, you didn't have the guts to tell your friend's little sister you didn't 'like her like that'? Cut me some slack, I'm not stupid!"

She bites back a hysterical chuckle, sensing that this was as close to losing her mind as she could get without going overboard. His complete and total selfishness was amazing, truly a spectacle. She hadn't thought he could hurt her anymore, but it seemed she was wrong. All he had to do was pick his weapon of choice to do the most damage.

"Speak up, Hitsugaya. I'm excited to hear what comes out of your mouth next," she taunts, not even trying to escape their compromising position. He was easy enough to scare away. She had been doing it for years, and hadn't even known it. He glowers darkly in the moonlight, and a part of her is drawn to how it hits his face, covering half of it in shadow with just enough reflecting off his pupil. Despite his gentle nature towards her, he's dangerous and she knows it, but her heart skips at the beauty that even danger can come packaged in.

"You're wrong, Karin," he says, voice tight with restrained emotion, looking determinedly away from her assessing gaze. He doesn't want to fight with her; he only wants to tell the truth, his truth. He gathers up a breath in his chest, before looking back at her with his composure set in place, speaking softly, devastatingly.

"I dated Hinamori because I was in love with you."

"Liar," she replies instantly, as if it was an automatic response. It's the confession she'd always wanted, but it's not right at all, not the right time, place, anything. She's terrified he's speaking from a place in his heart that still held onto his former flame, that he was going to use her feelings to get over his own. She didn't want that, not for her and, surprisingly, not for him either. "You don't know what you're saying…"

"I've been saying it for the last ten fucking years. I'm fairly sure I know what I want by now." It's dark and true, punctuated by a word that he rarely used, if ever. And he's looking at her with such ferocity that she's wondering if the pump of her body will just stop at any moment.

"You can't… You just," she stutters, feeling any of her former strength leave her in the face of his fortitude. "You're stressed out. You're coming out of a break-up so you're angry. It's okay to be mad, but to say all these things—"

"Why do you think we broke up?" he snaps, and his eyes narrow as she seems even more at a loss for words. She can't seem to muster up a proper sentence, let alone think correctly, so he finishes the thought for her, making it plain as day.

"Momo knew I was in love with you." His eyes become unclear, even as they are focused on Karin's stunned face. "Even before she and I started dating, she asked to be my girlfriend, to make me forget about the girl I already liked. She was determined to be with me, no matter the cost, even if it was only as a replacement. So I tried, because a part of me wanted so badly for her to succeed."

"You wanted to forget me." It's a statement, not a question, drenched in a sadness she thought she'd be able contain.

"Yes."

"Why?" It's supposed to be a neutral inquiry, but it comes out as a plea. Her voice's tone rises with the words, distressed and still so mad. It brings her back to the years she'd spent pining for him, nights where she wondered when she'd see him again and then hating herself for even thinking such blasphemy.

"We wouldn't have worked." He makes a move to cut her short, as she opens her mouth in protest. "Karin, you were thirteen when I started dating Hinamori. You hadn't even reached high school and yet you were so sure you loved me, but I... How could I live with myself knowing that I… _seduced_ you when you were still a child?"

"And what about me?" she fights back, bites and tears into him the way his nonchalance had done so since the moment he had chosen this path. "You and I both knew how I felt about you long before you made that choice and you still chose her over me!"

"I never chose her over you. That was the problem," Toushirou whispers, just the smallest bit of regret. There was only thing he wished he could take back in all of this, the only thing he knew he'd have to live with heavy on his conscience, and it was knowing that he had hurt two very important women in his life. "Not once could I ever tell her that I loved her much as I loved you."

The silence from all around eats at them, a strange event in the warm summer night where everything is still except the crashing waves. But inside of her, Karin is everything but quiet and tranquil, her emotions a mess from being knocked to the side and tossed haphazardly around. All the things she'd done and all the things she hadn't, she wasn't sure what had been right anymore. But, at this moment, there was one thing she knew she had to do.

"I just- I can't _trust_ you," she says, even as the hope in his eyes falls apart in front of her. "Whatever you feel for me now doesn't make up for what you did to me in the past." It's a lie to say she didn't love him, the largest one she hoped she'd never have to tell. But that mask of his is back on in a second, hiding whatever reaction he might have had as he withdrew into himself. A part of her wishes she could've seen it, if only to tell her she was making the right choice.

* * *

><p><em>Twenty-Six Years Old<em>

She's having lunch with Tatsuki, a nurse at the hospital she's currently doing her residency at. The tomboyish woman is the same age as Ichigo, and partly reminds Karin of him too with her brash answers, sarcastic quips and larger-than-life attitude. She's a character, and it makes her grateful that she's made a friend as colorful as her old ones.

Somehow their conversation steers towards love lives and Tatsuki's lacking of one, which leads to her interest in the younger girl's history. It's only after much prodding and poking that Karin explains her ordeal with Toushirou nearly two years ago, and how she had been in love with him so long. She talks about his girlfriend, her family, his endeavors to protect her, her wishing to forget him. It comes out in a waterfall of emotions, and Karin is surprised by her own willingness to talk. There was something easygoing, almost loving about the way Tatsuki led her through her story, getting everything she wanted without making Karin uncomfortable.

After the impromptu confession on the beach, Karin had turned on her heels and ran in the opposite direction, refusing to meet his eyes when he rejoined the group later on. The tension between them was palpable, but no one else seemed even slightly in tune with their mutual avoidance of each other. When she gets home, her beach bag in hand and the door to her room finally shut, she throws herself on her bed and prays for all of this to be some crazy, mixed-up dream she's having. Instead, it all becomes solidly clear when her tote tips over and a small letter falls out, written in familiar scrawl.

And gradually it becomes a bit of a game of his, sending her little notes in his horrendous handwriting, small gifts attached to them. She'd expected them to stop a few months after the first, but they didn't. There was a steady stream of them even now, even though she'd be turning twenty-four soon and still no response from her side. Because, to her suspicious self, it all reeked of inconsistency, as if he was trying to atone for more than just her hurt feelings. The thought that he might be trying to ease his guilt by wooing her was always at the forefront of her mind, along with the thoughtless dedication she had showed him long ago. It leaves a bad taste in her mouth, even as she explains all of this to her friend, her old fury heating her together with the memories. When she asks the older women if she was right to turn him away, Tatsuki gives her a long, hard look and speaks with omniscient ease.

"I think you should forgive him." Karin feels her own jaw unhinge at the line.

"W-w-_what_?" she yells, disturbing some nearby diners with her outburst, a few flinching in their seats before glaring at her. She doesn't bat an eyelash. "Did you not hear a thing I said? He dated a girl for _ten years_, completely disregarded _my_ feelings, acted like he had no idea about them, and then he decides that he's now 'ready' to be with me, or at least wants some sort of reconciliation. Why in the world would I ever forgive him for being the biggest douchebag on the planet?"

"Karin, if I may," she begins, leveling a calculating stare at her friend. The other nods at her, eager to hear what kind of reasoning she had behind her statement. "Can you tell me what was wrong with that long, run-on sentence of yours?"

She pauses and ponders. "… Can I get a hint?"

"No," Tatsuki says seriously, her eyes sharp with warning. It almost makes her gulp, but she combs through her brain and can't find a thing wrong with what she's said. That was what happened, not a shred of untruth to be found. Angry at coming up short, she frowns at the short-haired girl when she responds spitefully.

"Then, no, I don't know. Tell me, oh Wise One." Her sarcasm noticeably lacks her usual bite.

"That entire sentence was about _you_," Tatsuki emphasizes that last word, condescending in a way that reminds her of a parent scolding her child. "Not once did I hear about what was going through his mind during those ten years, and knowing you, you probably hadn't even asked in the heat of the moment, did you? Right now, all I've been hearing was how upset _you_ were, how lonely he made _you_ feel, how he lied to _you_—"

"Alright, alright, I get it," she mumbles, an even darker look marring her face. "But it was all true! I suffered a lot for him, and he just kept living that happy-go-lucky life he had with his girlfriend and friends and all that good stuff. He never looked back at me once, never even acknowledged our friendship..."

"I know this'll be hard to hear, Karin, so let me ask you this: do you really wanna know what I think?" Her question is set up, long and winding in a way that makes it seem like a dark passageway she shouldn't travel through. But she's already there, and she'd be damned if she didn't get some sort of answer. When she nods, Tatsuki smiles and continues.

"Those gifts, those notes, this time he's spent trying to get you to forgive him, those little things were done because he's desperately in love with you." When she opens her mouth to counter, the short-haired woman holds up a hand, not giving her the time of day. "And what he said was true; when he made that decision to try and move on with his life, he was trying to protect you and probably himself, as well. You were unfit to be dedicating your life to him, and he was smart enough to know that there is more to life than love at seventeen."

"How can you possibly say that?" She wrinkles her nose, an unpleasant look taking shape on her face. "You weren't even there for any of it!"

"Exactly," she points out, snapping her fingers and giving her a wink, as if the answer was clear as day. To Karin, and for all her mental capabilities, nothing made sense anymore. "I'm at a perspective that isn't biased. I see his point of view even while you tell yours, so I can sympathize with both sides. I'm sure none of your friends and family have tried to do that, well, if you ever bothered asking them for help, am I right?"

Karin nods hesitantly. "Yeah, so?"

"Let me explain it this way. What were you able to accomplish in high school and college because you weren't constantly distracted by this 'Hitsugaya Toushirou'?"

Many things immediately come to mind, and she starts to list them, using her fingers to try and count each one. She'd won a number of matches, contests and competitions in sports and academics alike. She had maintained her grades to near-perfection, and gained a number of admirers because of it. There were also many causes she had been able to help out in, runs to raise money and selling goods for charity. The list goes on and on, and before she realizes it she's lost track of the conversation long after their food arrives.

"So, in short, you did a lot in those ten years, right?" Tatsuki puts it plainly, not looking particularly astounded by her long resume but more focused on the question at hand.

"… Yeah, I guess I did." She's surprised by the weight of all the gifts she's been blessed with. When had she found the time for all of those events in her busy life? And somehow she had managed to have dinner with her family every night, go on vacations during breaks, hang out with friends and all of the stuff that normal students did. To her, every single one of those moments was precious, a piece of her heart that was all hers and shared with the people who loved her dearly.

She meets her friend's eyes over the burger she's half-eaten, her appetite stalled by the realization. It's Tatsuki's knowing eyes that gets her heart pounding, as if they had all the answers she had been searching for but never fully grasped. She speaks up again, her voice low and logical, piercing something deep within her when she speaks in that all-knowing tone of hers. "Think about it, Karin. You had so many great experiences, so many achievements that would make any person envious. Think about that and answer me this:

"Would you trade even one second of your past for _anything_ from Hitsugaya Toushirou?" It's almost painful, the silence that surrounds her, suffocating in the air-cooled restaurant. But it's not because she's thinking about it or considering her choices. No, her response was immediate, without thought or delay, not even a consideration of hesitance or reluctance.

Karin wouldn't change a thing, not even for him.

Seeing the look on Karin's face, as if she'd drawn the most obvious and somehow mystifying conclusion of her life, the older girl smiles softly to herself. Sometimes, the most troubling answers about love are the ones that no one bothers asking, the ones that we tend to overlook because it's easy to be blinded by our own misfortune.

For Karin, it had always been about hiding what she felt, suppressing her desires so that Toushirou could have a good life with the girl he had chosen. So she had locked her heart away, not knowing she was locking out anyone who could help her, maybe even heal her. And for Hitsugaya, it was about protecting her innocence, letting Karin live the life she was destined for, and to fully use the potential he knew she had. She had fallen for him at an age where love could distract from those goals, detract from the experience that every young girl needed to have. They say you never regret the things you've done, but the things you hadn't. He didn't want to be the cause of her regret.

"Sometimes, it's funny how love comes and touches our lives, isn't it, Karin?" she says simply, taking a bite of her food but meeting the other's wide eyes. "But what we fail to notice is that it comes in many different shapes, ways and forms. Just because you didn't understand his doesn't mean it hadn't been there at all."

She smiles at how similar these two are, and how they didn't even know it.

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><p><strong>AN<strong>: I know a lot of people wanted me to have Karin leave Toushirou behind completely, to give him a taste of his own medicine. I thought it was interesting how easy it was to judge his actions simply because we didn't know his side of the story.

I didn't include Toushirou's side on purpose, because I wanted you all to discover his love just as Karin did. It was something that was found in actions that were counterintuitive to what we believe love should be like. Makes you wonder how many things you might have interpreted incorrectly over the years, right? :)

Please review, favorite and alert, but mostly review! I love your guys' thoughts. It helped me write this chapter. Downside, because I have so much to fit into this story, I had to make this longer again. Sorry about that! Haha. Thanks for reading, everyone!


	3. The Other Side

**AN:** Wow, this was tough to write. I've noticed how a lot of people are so divided and it's interesting to me that we all feel so much for these characters in these kinds of stories. So, to try and sway some love into Toushirou's corner, I decided to give him a voice. This is one of the few chances that I'm actually letting him out to speak, so if you don't see too much of his POV from now on, it's intentional. This was always Karin's story. I'm just letting him hi-jack it for a while. :)

Overall, I'm mostly satisfied with how this chapter went. It's so long because I was trying to give you guys his background _and_ forward the plot a bit at the same time. Hard to do within normal writing limits. Hopefully this will kick me out of my writers block, so please read and review, thanks!

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><p>From the start of his friendship with Kurosaki Ichigo, Toushirou had known deep in his bones that his life would no longer be the same. He had been a longtime child outcast due to his snow white coloring and Anglo-origin eyes. He was a menace, the other children's parents would whisper, as they took their own offspring by the hand and led them to play somewhere else, somewhere where lonely green eyes couldn't follow them. And it had been a hard pill to swallow for little Hitsugaya that, at six years old and not a friend in sight, he might never find a friend in the world.<p>

His granny had done her best to provide what love she could. The hole left by his peers was a large one, one she knew she could never truly fill or even begin to compensate for, but it never failed to warm the boy's heart whenever he returned home, alone and soccer ball in hand, to that wrinkled smile and outstretched hand. It was a wonder he hadn't completely broken down, disintegrated into some mindless zombie who would do anything to be accepted, change himself to fit whatever mold would bring him friends. But even as a child, Hitsugaya Toushirou was uncharacteristically wise, sure of himself in a way that would get him far in life. However, this foresight didn't keep him unaffected by others' rejections, as he slowly became less cheery, less rambunctious, more guarded of his true self.

So it came as a bit of a surprise when he reached the middle of his elementary education and found a band of boys almost as outrageously out of place as himself. It had been strange being seated between a red-haired kid who couldn't keep his eyes open for a measly thirty minute lecture and another who had the outlandish title of 'strawberry.' When he had nonchalantly commented on the rather unforgiving name while at recess, the brat defended himself with fury and pride that any man wished he could imitate, sure of the meaning 'first prize' that his parents had bestowed on him. It was out of his rather unintended inquiry that a conversation struck up, words were exchanged and the strangest friendship was formed, so easily that Hitsugaya couldn't comprehend why people made such a big deal out of it in the first place.

But deep down, he knew he'd be lying if he said he wasn't grateful for other boy.

It had progressed slowly, as all friendships do. Unfortunately, he had no idea what kind of company he was keeping early on, but as he got to know everyone, he found his patience was tried in ways he hadn't ever imagined. From attempting to stop Renji from destroying a pet store they had gone into (it was for the bird feed his granny needed) to holding back an excited Madarame and Yumichika from starting a fight everywhere they went (the grocery store was certainly not his battlefield of choice, after all), he learned that he had become the medium in their group. Where three of them were wild and out of control, Ichigo was the disinterested axis who would do anything for a laugh and some free food. It seemed that order wasn't something they were used to, as they talked about his small size that held his overbearing sense of justice. But it wasn't cruelly or even teasingly that they said these things.

Instead, they had a sense of respect for him, for his wise decisions and no nonsense way of dealing with adults, a skill he had learned from years of having his one family member as his only true companion. And it had gained him a wary sort of trust in their small community, that the odd group of boys weren't so odd and that their little leader was unexpected in all the best possible ways. So it was true when he predicted that Ichigo was someone who would eventually change his life, helping to transform his perpetual winter wonderland into cycle that included a lively spring, overbearing summer and calming autumn.

And then he met _her_.

At five years old, Kurosaki Yuzu and Kurosaki Karin were as different as night and day. While one would have easily claimed the lighter one the cuter of the two, Hitsugaya noted that the older twin was immensely more interesting, more serious and somehow much more childish as well. She was a conundrum at nearly four feet, tomboy in manner and look along with a complex relationship with her family to boot. But at nine years old, a boy didn't have much interest in another friend's younger sister and it would have continued so, if not for her rather Ichigo-like attitude.

"So, what's your name?" she asked, eyes disinterested and yet somehow rapt with attention. It was unnerving that a little girl could do that when most would be dreamy eyed at anyone older than herself.

"Hitsugaya." He moved to take a seat at the table with his friends, who were already digging into the snacks. Taking a sandwich-half and munching politely, the two younger girls stood at the edge of the table, the younger one watching as the other four fight over the food, fascinated. Karin turned back to the white-haired boy, still not quite through with him.

"So, Hitsugaya, have a first name?" His eyebrow twitched at her insolence.

"What business of that is yours?" He didn't make it a habit to fight with little girls, but he'd make an exception for this one. She raised a brow, doing a wonderful job of being annoyingly quiet and yet so disruptive.

"You're the one in my house, eating my food and you don't even have the decency to tell me your full name? Children these days," she tsk-ed, shaking her head in a mocking way. He could feel a vein begin to pulsate along his hairline, not sure if he should be mad for being condescended to or mad that it was done by some slip of a female he hardly knew. He decided on both.

"My name is Hitsugaya Toushirou," he answered begrudgingly, turning back to bite into his snack, not tasting a thing. She was a little hellion, this one, and he had a feeling she knew it, probably even took pride in it. Renji was right; she was definitely a Kurosaki in both look and nature.

"'Toushirou,' huh?" she repeated, the name sounding strangely adorable from her lips. He only nodded, intending to ignore her until she lost interest. Not that she'd let him, of course. "All right, I'll call you 'Toushirou,' then."

"_What_?" He hadn't given her permission to use his first name, something that only Ichigo had done and that too was against his will. Obviously there was some common courtesy that needed to be learned in this home, if their two eldest were any example to go by. "You should call me Hitsugaya. I'm older than you, and it's more respectful."

"But I like your first name, Toushirou," she replied, blinking up at him with those big dark eyes, as if they would change his mind. Her name rolled off her tongue easier this time, sounding much more sincere compared to her brother's brash tone. It almost made him flush because there had been few people in his life to call his name, even fewer of them girls, and yet she said it with a confidence unfit for her stature.

"Th-that doesn't matter!" he stuttered, caught off guard by her off-handed comment. "Besides, it's not just about what you want. I should be comfortable as well, and I'd be much happier with 'Hitsugaya.'"

"I don't wanna" was her reply, tucking her arms along her front and flipping her hair at him. The nearly uncontrollable urge to strangle the little heathen was strongly itching at his fingertips, and he could almost feel the amusement his spectators were giving off. _The_ Hitsugaya Toushirou had met his match in some slip of a girl who was even smaller than he was. There'd be no way to live this down if he didn't deal with it now.

"Look, Kurosaki—"

"You can call me Karin." It was her intention to offer the olive branch, a trade to placate him so they could move on from this mundane topic onto something more her speed. But it wasn't what he wanted. This wasn't about his name, but the principle of good manners and she had tromped all over it much like it was a weed that had been growing in the wrong place at the wrong time.

"I don't want to, nor do I need to, Kurosaki. Now, please, call me—"

"I won't! I'm going to call you Toushirou and that's _final_!" she declared, stomping her foot, face scrunched in distaste and finally acting like the elementary student that she was. She charged around the table in a run, easily making this the most bizarre scene he'd encountered in his short life as she repeated his name over and over in a mindless drone. "Toushirou, Toushirou, Toushirou, Toushirou, Toushirou, Toushirou—!"

"Alright already, _geez_!" interrupted a rather irate Ichigo, glancing between the two before settling on a wide-eyed and unsure Hitsugaya with finality. "Just let her call you by your first name. What's the big deal, she's five! You can't be flexible about this one little thing?"

"It's not about being flexible—"

"Oi, stop being such a stick in the mud, Hitsugaya. She's a kid. She'll grow out of it eventually." It was saying something if even Renji was starting to make sense. He frowned deeply, still troubled as he peered down at the younger girl, who had calmed down and was now looking up at him expectantly. And while he knew that deep down he was still just a bit angry, put out because of this child and her complete lack of etiquette, he found himself sighing exasperated but resigned. He was rewarded with her bright smile, her mood changing in a moment and somehow stealing his breath away. Even as he's blushing when he returns to finish his sandwich, he could feel the tiniest bit of satisfaction in that adoring grin of hers.

From then on, whenever he recounted his memories of Karin, they weren't measured in things as objective as time, numbers or even days. No, he remembered her through actions, words, moments he couldn't help but remember even years later, and objects he couldn't forget even now. He had found that, over nearly twenty years together, association was his medium of choice, as he found her in everything he saw and the little things people did. It wasn't an obsession of his, but he had found it weird that he could never quite place the Kurosaki girl in the same category as anyone else in his life.

His friends were mainly boys, guys who scampered and got into as much trouble defending the weak as they did defending each other. And she was certainly not family for she didn't stir the loving comfort that Granny or even his friend Granny Haru had managed to fill him with, their love maternal and strong in their aged hands and eyes. She was closer to him than his own classmates, who regarded him with awe and wonder for the strange looking boy genius. And she was high and above the suitors he had gained once he reached middle school, as he learned from Ichigo's friend, Mizuiro, that girls fell over themselves for him due to the combination of his pretty boy looks, scholarly intelligence and bad boy reputation (which he found was completely unwarranted; he only bailed his friends out of fights, and had never entered one on his own without provocation).

So where was she supposed to go, where was she supposed to fit in his rather growing social circle, and who exactly was this unforgettable girl to him? It had plagued him throughout his middle school years, as he discovered that his relationship with his best friend's sister was different from most boy-girl relationships. Whenever he looked around his classroom, there would occasionally be a couple in the corner, talking quietly, secretly, as if the whole world had washed away around them. He learned that most of his classmates were interested in more than just friendship when they conversed among each other, as he overheard their plans to watch a movie on Sunday or get a mixed group date together for next weekend. He always had an invitation to such events, but had never taken them, didn't have any interest in meeting females who would bat their eyelashes and pucker their lips in the way that magazines taught them to.

He'd much rather spend his time with a girl playing soccer, running around the field and yelling out plays that he'd recently come up with. Not that he knew many girls who would play soccer like that, one that would give up a day to just sweat and practice until the sun went down. But he knew one, the tiny nine-year-old who followed his every move, who he scowled at to return home whenever he and his friends had a scrimmage. But she was a determined little thing, scowling right back and marching after him even when he continued on his way. Unfortunately for him, the others didn't have the slightest issue with Karin coming along, as Renji patted her head and Ikkaku gave her a piggy back ride, their affection for her palpable, almost as strong as Ichigo's. Maybe if he was a little more truthful, then he'd be able to say and do those things too, instead of pushing her away every time he saw her.

He remembered her as a child sometimes, randomly reminiscing when he passed by certain places or saw specific things that triggered the flashback. Even during those days, Karin had been very independent and yet, at the same time, in desperate need of unconditional affection and warmth, things she got from her doting family with enough to spare. He had looked at her then and decided that she had everything a person could want, and that she herself was so immensely different from him, like comparing a desert to a lush forest. What he lacked she had in measures, and what she wanted to be he was. So, as if drawn by a string of fate, they were tied together, a mismatched pair that could never be too far apart.

But, as time crawled by, he also came to learn she was a little like himself, such as the time he had found her on the riverbank, curled into herself and crying silently into her knees. Because for all her valor and determination, even Karin couldn't hold herself up sometimes, and even the love from her family wasn't always enough. From someone who knew what it was like to have only one parent, Hitsugaya could sympathize, but he had never experienced the physical loss of his parents, never felt it the way the sobs seemed to wrack her small shoulders that supported her large burden. He knew what it was like to try and carry it alone; he didn't want that kind of fate for her.

He had a feeling that it would have been better to leave, that she would have preferred to wallow in her sadness alone, he couldn't turn and walk away from her while her world was crashing down around her ears. It was on that day that a not-even ten years old Hitsugaya promised himself that he'd never be the one to make Karin cry, to make her look up at him again with such lonely despair. He wanted to be the one to protect her, so he decided, as he walked her home with hands intertwined and her soft gasps trailing behind him, that he would be the one to soothe any pain she felt.

Kurosaki Masaki's death had changed her daughter, totally and completely. From then on, he noticed that Karin rarely smiled the way she used to. There were none of those full-fledged grins, the ones without a care in the world and no secrets to hide. Instead, she mostly kept that bored façade on, her wit making up for any lulls in conversation and shooting smirks and snickers but never anything more. He watched her, waiting for that old innocent light to come back into her eyes and annoy him from beneath that mischievous glare of hers. And it did resurface sometimes, as she looked at him with that infamous scowl of hers, but there was always something lacking, as if her emotions were hidden just beneath the surface. No one seemed to notice, except perhaps a guilt-ridden Ichigo, and so no one questioned why she didn't linger around as much, or wondered why she laughed just a little less honestly, her voice becoming an echo of what it had once been.

So it had become a habit of his, staring after the slowly withdrawing girl who used to have so much life that it couldn't be contained in one room. Even as she grew older and entered her first year of middle school, he found himself seeking her out, eyes shifting without his consent. She had adopted her fully tomboyish look, a cap to match her boy shorts and tennis shoes. Her attitude was more spitfire than ever, a rebelliousness that rubbed people the wrong way. Where other girls were quiet, sweet in nature and speech, she was exactly as her older brother, impossibly strong with morale unlike those three times her age.

It had become harder and harder to take his eyes off her, he noticed, feeling uncomfortable when she managed to catch his discrete staring. She always threw a challenge his way, mistaking it for displeasure or a reprimand when truly he was only watching over her, just wanting to make sure she was okay. Because even though it had been five years since Masaki's death, he was still concerned for her. It was difficult to navigate adolescence even with a fully functioning family, and everyone knew hers wasn't quite so ideal. And even though she had a father who loved her like a treasure, a sister who cared for her without bounds, a brother who would do anything for her and friends she could count on, there would be a time when she'd stumble, as all girls did. He just wanted to make sure he could catch her when that happened.

Strangely enough, it felt like a normal transition for him to go from simply looking out for her to stepping into that private world of hers. He felt justified in thinking that it was okay to take the time to talk to her, hear how she was doing, generally filling up some of her free time with conversations with him. And they hadn't felt like stolen moments, the two of them together just sitting and talking at the dinner table as he waited for Ichigo to finish up whatever business he had before going out and waiting for Yuzu to come back from grocery shopping.

She would tell him about her latest exams, a new soccer move she just perfected, a great movie that she knew he'd like. And occasionally he'd drop a few mentions himself, like his latest training session, what he was working on in class, where he was going for college. It was much too easy to fall in love with someone as open and wide-eyed as a Karin, a girl who listened without judgment and talked without insecurities. He hadn't even noticed that she was slowly maturing out of her boyish phase, starting to talk a little softer, head held just a bit higher and looking much more like her mother than he could ever remember.

He remembered when he had turned sixteen, he had ended up at the Kurosaki residence as he usually did during his school breaks, the home almost as familiar to him as his own. It had been snowing outside, a recent blizzard taking the town by storm and covering it in inches upon inches of white slush. While beautiful to look at, it had been a few years since the last snowfall, so it had become even more of a hassle to go outside and trudge through the ankle-high cold. Once again left to his own devices and stuck on the couch with nothing to do but sit, he happened to hear the opening and shutting of the front door, immediately thinking it was Ichigo. When he was about to call out to him and give him a piece of his mind for abandoning him in this empty home yet again, he instead heard the rather distinct alto of a familiar girl.

When they saw each other, they greeted as they always did, a few gruff words and a hand ruffling his hair, further irritating his short temper. But she just smiled, that old childish one that almost reached her eyes, nearly making him feel like that little boy who had just met a headstrong girl four years his junior. And, in a rather anticlimactic way, he felt the rhythm of his heart skip a little, flutter in a way he was sure wasn't healthy.

It was odd to realize he was in love with his best friend.

And that was what he was, as she sat beside him, two mugs of hot chocolate in her hands and she herself wrapped in her warmest pajamas. There were no fireworks, no moment of clarity, not even a slight change other than the off-beat pitter-patter of his heart. Because he had always known, deep down in that part that allowed himself to comprehend the changing of his affection, the part that let him place the ebony-haired Kurosaki in a category all her own, that she had captured him long before now. Ever since that day he took her hand in his on that dewy grass by the water, trusting herself to him and then deciding to follow him thereafter. And perhaps she had liked him as well, but it would be a crush that would change as quickly as the seasons, while his had been a build-up, a foundation laid on years of surveying, assessing, protecting her from harm.

He had meant to tell her when she was ready, when she wasn't a pre-teen with a plate full of unwanted drama and misunderstandings that were bound to be misconstrued by hormones and gossip and all of the other things that life liked to throw. He wanted to be honest, felt that she deserved to know as much as he deserved to know how she felt, because he was sure that he couldn't go back to being 'friends'. At least, not the kind where he hid behind that big brother-esque role and pretended that he wasn't feeling whatever it was he was feeling, as if ignorance would put the emotions to rest.

But when he was sixteen, Ichigo became his worst enemy: his own conscience.

"Don't do it, Toushirou." His voice was uncharacteristically serious, eyes narrowed in that all-seeing way, one he used to scare lesser men. Anyone that truly knew Ichigo also knew that he was perceptive in a very specific way, saw things that most would overlook as he watched out for danger that could intrude upon his territory. It seemed that he had identified him as such a threat.

"Do what?" It was an easy question, a brush-off he was much too used to giving. But it didn't mean he was stupid. He knew exactly what the other man met, as he forced his gaze to meet his with a raised brow.

"You're insulting my intelligence if you're asking me that," he growled, that familiar frown darkening with an unusual anger. He hadn't meant for it to be condescending, but he could see how the other might take it as such. The secret had been suspended between them for a while, unknowingly tightening the collar around Hitsugaya's neck, a noose of his own making. When he didn't respond, the other sighed, frustrated at the development. He didn't want to be the one to say this, not yet and not like this.

"If you say anything to Karin, you know I can't forgive you," he continued, speaking words he never thought he'd have to say. Because, as dense as he was, there wasn't a chance in hell that Ichigo could miss the way Toushirou seemed to ring at his sister's presence, the way his eyes darted almost imperceptibly in her direction whenever she walked into the room. It had been painful to watch, but even more painful to hide, to act as if he didn't understand the strange longing in his friend's eyes.

"I wasn't going to," was his reply, but even the bass of his voice seemed hesitant.

"I'm serious, Toushirou, you _can't_," the older brother vehemently declared, hitting the kitchen table and making a booming noise in the still house. Everyone was gone, leaving them to their personal conversation. But it wouldn't have happened if he had only been able to stop himself from looking at Karin, as she rushed off to practice with her bag slung over her shoulder and giving a broad smile just for them. He had stared just a moment too long, heart warmed just a bit too much for comfort, and Ichigo had noticed. But he had always known, even Hitsugaya knew that much; honestly, it was more strange to him that her older brother had held his tongue for so long.

"I'm not a child, Kurosaki. I mean it when I say I won't say anything," he snapped, knowing the older boy had touched a nerve, a crack in his impervious armor. It was a terrifying thing to be confronted for the first time, to be cracked down on for something he knew couldn't happen, not now at least.

"I know you mean it, but that doesn't mean you might not do it," he retorted, amber eyes flashing with knowledge far beyond his meager years. "You've always looked at Karin differently, everyone knows that, but you're not even bothering to hide it anymore. She'll figure it out too eventually, and then what? What will you do when a kid like her falls in love with you?"

"You insult both Karin and me if you think that things would change just because of my feelings." Hitsugaya became livid, but more on her behalf than his own. Both he and Kurosaki knew how much Karin had been forced to grow up, stand up without anyone to support her weight, doing so long before she was ready to. But it was something she felt she had to do so no one would have to worry about her. It was a demanding thing to be an adult as a child.

"It's not you I'm worried about," he shook his head, sighing before turning his gaze to the hardwood table. His hands are folded in front of him, as he adopted a contemplative look. "Karin is in love with you." Hitsugaya did his best not to let the shock show, schooling his features into an understanding one, but his heart still quickened at the confirmation. "But she's also not ready to be in love, not the kind that you want from her."

"And what if she could be?" It was meant to be a challenge, but it comes off sounding certain, as if there was no doubt in his mind that they would last in spite of the odds. He fought the heat rising into him, cursing himself for giving away too much.

"That's not up to you right now. Karin has to be ready for that too, and we both know she's not in the right place or age to make that decision, nor should you be trying to convince her otherwise. Besides, if it doesn't work out, what then?" His remark stung a bit, but he knows exactly where Kurosaki is coming from. Even at twelve years old, if he asked her to make that decision and choose him over the rest of her life, she'd do it. Not because of some flash-in-the-pan romance or anything like that, but because she was the type to go where her heart went, and they knew that to give herself in half-doses wasn't an option for Karin. But Ichigo had to know that he'd never be so insensitive or manipulative so as to steer her away from all the things she deserved to have.

The silence reigned between them, a battle of wills that was coming up as a stalemate. But Hitsugaya knew he could wait, bide his time and allow both her and himself time to change in case their hearts did as well, so he nodded in agreement, watching as a sort of relief filled the other boy. She would grow up one day into a fine young woman, one who would be all the things he knew he needed if they were on that path. There was no need to rush, he told himself, because their youth was stretched out before them, just waiting to be taken with both hands.

But the problems only seemed to follow from then on. One should know that, as soon as a can of worms was opened, there was no way to close it. Finding out about Karin's ever-maturing feelings, Hitsugaya couldn't ignore her telling signs now. She was an open book, her simplest gestures having much more meaning than ever before. And the saddest part was that he knew he wasn't over reaching when he interpreted them. That secretive smile she had, the gently grab of her hand on his sleeve, the fiery denials accompanied with a blush, they were developments in her growing affection, things she herself probably hadn't even known she was doing. But he knew he couldn't act on those actions, and he would never stoop so low as to take advantage of her ignorance. So, in a moment of weakness, he did the only logical thing he could think of, and inadvertently made the most cowardly decision he had ever made in his entire life.

He ran.

He began to retreat from the younger girl, finding fewer reasons to linger in the forum of her home or visit her unexpectedly. More than once he was met with her confused face as he cut off a discussion she was trying to start or was soon forced to run some sort of errand he didn't have. Because he couldn't keep his promise to his friend, couldn't promise that he wouldn't take this girl by the hand as he had done before and not lead her astray. But he had given Ichigo his word as his friend and a man, so he left her standing there more times than he could recall, intent on protecting her from him and his heart from her. Looking back now, it was certainly the most foolish thing he'd ever done, but certainly not the stupidest.

No, that honor belonged to choosing his head over his heart while trying to dissuade Karin's growing forwardness. At his lowest point, he had accepted a rather unorthodox confession from one of his classmates, the very pretty and popular Hinamori Momo. He had turned her down a few times before, but she was a fighter, always reworking her courage up and asking again in hopes he'd changed his mind. But on Valentine's Day of their senior year, he had given into her invitation of walking home together in hopes that he'd be able to forgo Karin's annual visit. He couldn't face her, not then and there with a hopeful look on her face and that adoration in her eye, the one she reserved just for him. He'd do a lot of things to push her away, but he was weak to that old innocence, so incredibly fragile when she lowered her guard and showed that very private part of herself.

Perhaps that was what made him choose Hinamori that day. Because when he glimpsed at the other girl briefly as she talked in that rambled, nonsensical sort of way, it reminded him of _her_ when she was a child. Long before her mother died, she had been so open and honest, a feat he thought only the naïve could master. But she was a wise little thing with all of that intelligence spilling into her giddiness, a paradox if he'd ever seen one. So as he watched Momo speak, gesticulating and laughing in her characteristically open way, he saw a little girl with a bob cut, following after him as if he was the star she revolved around.

For a second, he felt himself fall all over again.

It was only by luck that Karin happened to see them, standing just a few yards from the gate with a bag on her shoulder. But her eyes didn't sparkle at him, barely even managed to meet his stare without lowering hers elsewhere. Immediately he was about to ask what was wrong, but then realized that the presence next to him was the cause of it. She was reading into something far too deeply, assuming an intimacy that wasn't even there.

And yet he couldn't bring himself to correct her, not even as the others joined, or as she dragged her unwilling brother away or even as he turned down the street as Hinamori bashfully grabbed his hand. In his stubborn head, he felt that this was what he needed to do to separate Karin from him, to ward her away so he could regroup his own composure. So he played up the angle whenever she came around, using the well-liked Momo as a barrier of sorts, while feeling the bile in his stomach rise with the guilt, until one day he spilled everything to her.

Hinamori had tried to get him to define their relationship, as if she could quantify their budding friendship as something more. In a bout of shame he hadn't been able to hold back, he told her his intentions, about his guilt, and about the girl he'd never name but had been so deeply attached to that he couldn't betray her. Because that's what this felt like, as if he cheating Karin, Momo and himself out of the things they all truly wanted and deserved. But her response to his outburst was even more confusing than his admission, completely strange and opposite of what he expected.

"Then I'll wait." It was so simple, so easy for her to say, as she smiled prettily with the lights of the sunset setting off in her hair. He had never pegged the other girl as the overly determined type. Instead, he had been expecting waterworks and well-deserved anger, but not this quiet acceptance of him. It only made the guilt gnaw harder at his deteriorating heart.

So they began to date officially. She was doing her best to make Hitsugaya see her as more than his classmate, and he was determined to stop himself from going out and finding Karin, to prevent those words he wasn't supposed to say from crossing his lips while guilt ran through his veins. It was a strenuous relationship, one that turned on-and-off after graduation between his indecisiveness and her half-hearted attempts to break away from him. Even the strongest hearts couldn't handle rejection as deep as the ones he had served her, but at the same time he had learned to open himself up bit by bit.

Because, in spite of the nearly parasitic nature between them, Hitsugaya had grown to care for Momo, love her like the friend she had become. But he never could bring himself to love her the way he should have, to give him that place in his heart that was so secure that even he himself found it impossible to break into. He'd tried though, God knows he did everything in his power so he could love her as she needed and deserved to be; he bared himself to her in a way that he hadn't with many others. But her full and honest acceptance of him was never enough, at least, not enough to wipe Karin from his mind completely. So when she left him, he had smiled at her with relief, intensely grateful for her presence and even more joyful that she had been the stronger one to walk away when he hadn't found the ability to. Their end was a long time coming, years and years of second-guessing and heated arguments that led to nothing but more fighting. She needed someone more worthy of that undying affection of hers. He only wished that this next love would be everything to her and she to him this time around.

And yet his story kept going forward, a never ending rollercoaster of emotion, rejection and heartache. Because even when he had finally been able to say those three little words, no string attached and nothing to lose, it still wasn't enough to end all of those secrets or remedy any of his lies. Beneath the light of the moon and along the sea's edge, she ran from him and his confession, unconvinced of his sincerity, challenging his honesty. But even with his heart torn at his feet, he continued to follow after her, hoping that one day he could change her mind. He knew he could spend the rest of his lifetime seeking her forgiveness.

He just didn't know if she could wait before her heart turned away for good.

* * *

><p><em>Thirty-One Years Old<em>

"So, _you're_ the famous Hitsugaya Toushirou."

It's an unexpectedly female voice that identifies him, his gazing wandering up from the bar counter and towards the source. Tonight was Ichigo's bachelor party, one of his last nights as a single man, before he swore complete and total allegiance to the spritely Kuchiki Rukia. But who were they kidding. That girl had him wrapped so tight around her finger he wasn't even allowed to breathe without her say so. Even Ichigo knew it. So it was more of an occasion to drink until one couldn't figure out what the word sober meant, let alone say it.

The intruder is a tall woman about his age, and he immediately recognizes her as Karin's friend from her hospital. Not that he sees much of the younger girl these days, but in a rare instance, they had run into each other recently and he had been reluctantly introduced to her wily, almost Ichigo-like companion, who had managed to worm her way into his own circle with the help of the orange-colored idiot. To say that Tatsuki was practically one of the guys was an understatement. She fit in as if she had been there her entire life, egging on a rowdy Madarame as he chugged a jug of beer and encouraging a few nameless others to drink until they couldn't see straight.

He'd been at the bar for the majority of it, half-watching the festivities with that old-age exasperation he had for his friends. But it didn't wipe the smile from his face, did nothing to lessen his excitement for his old friend. If anyone deserved that kind of happiness, it was Kurosaki Ichigo. But it seems his solitude for the night wasn't meant to be, as the leggy brunette took the stool next to him, ordering a drink for herself. He doesn't correct her intro, knowing she had interrupted him more for the effect than anything else. So they sit side-by-side for a while, as he finishes off the whiskey he's been nursing for the good part of an hour.

"Karin told me about you and her."

And whatever mundane subject he had been expecting flies out the window, so he tosses back the glass, hoping to steel whatever nerves he has. From the look in her eyes, he has a feeling it wasn't one of those 'I-just-happened-to-find-out' sort of thing, but an in-depth exploration of that part of his life. He isn't proud of what he's done, but he'd be damned if he was ashamed of it either. What he did he did out of love, no matter how misguided. One doesn't make the right decisions at seventeen, but instead makes all the wrong ones. If only he had known that wisdom long before now, perhaps he'd have been able to salvage their precarious relationship.

"Did she?" he leads, not giving anything away as he orders another drink. It's going to be a long conversation, he can feel it, and so he gathers a little more liquid courage, hoping that he won't remember this in the morning. It's unfortunate that he's driving home because then he could get plastered and surely not recall a thing. "And what exactly do you know?"

"That you're so in love with her, it's almost pathetic and just a little painful to listen to," she shrugs, smiling at the bartender who gives her the mixed cocktail. He doesn't wince outwardly, but inside he's cringing. This Tatsuki was similar to Karin herself, all words and no tact. If that's what they discussed, then he was sure she knew much more than even he himself was willing to admit. So he nods, acquiescing to whatever preconceived ideas she might have, preparing for the worst. Surprisingly, that's not what he gets.

"I told her to forgive you and your asinine self," she continues, taking a sip but never letting her eyes wander from the back of the bar. They both stare ahead, as if they're not having a conversation at all and yet his heart is drumming against his ribcage at her words. "You did what you did out of love, even though you were horribly stupid. Still, you were also a teenager and the fact that you had any sense at all at that age just speaks for your maturity. But it doesn't make up for your idiocy, and she hasn't forgiven you yet. Not that I blame her, or even you for that matter. Neither of you should be allowed near a date with the other without a ten-foot pole and safety gloves on."

"Are you trying to make me feel worse?" Toushirou snaps, his eyes glaring at her out of the corner of his eye. But she only smiles, as if telling an inside joke and yet he doesn't find one bit of this even slightly funny.

"No, I'm trying to say that you and Karin are the oddest, most ill-suited and dysfunctional couple I have ever met." She twists her head to look at him, that mischievous smile now a large grin stealing across her face. "That's why I think you'll be perfect for each other some day."

"… _What?_" And now everything he thinks he knows doesn't quite make sense anymore.

"I just don't think you're ready for each other." She acts as if she doesn't hear him, and that pounding in his heart shifts to his head, as a pain more potent than a hangover starts to form there. Really, he doesn't know why he even bothers with the female species anymore. After being in love with the same girl for years, one would think he'd get better at understanding them and their games.

"What do you mean 'not ready'?"

"Exactly as it sounds," she replies easily, transitioning into the subject as if she had been building up to it. He narrows his eyes suspiciously, knowing she was good at leading her prey where she wanted them. So he let her continue, trying not to look too interested in what she was about to say.

"Do you know the difference between what you had before and what you have now?" _An actual friendship_ is what he thinks, but holds it in. There's no room for sarcasm here, despite his impatience, so he shakes his head solemnly. "The answer: _nothing_, nothing has changed between you two, and that's exactly the problem."

It earns her the most skeptical stare she's sure she's ever gotten from anyone in her life, and if she wasn't knowledgeable about the older man's personality, Tatsuki would have been largely insulted. Instead, she just looks at him with those wise eyes, the same ones she had used with Karin only a week before.

"You're both so incredibly dependent on each other, and yet you don't make any effort to actually _do_ anything about your situation. It's as if you're in a perpetual rut, one where once you both manage to find yourselves out of it, something pushes you back in. Have you ever asked yourself why you two can't just _be together_?" The intense scowl is all the answer she needs. "I see you have. Now, tell me, what did you come up with?"

"She was too young."

"She's not now."

"I had a girlfriend."

"You don't anymore."

"She hates me."

Tatsuki snorts. "You and I both know that's a lie."

"She won't forgive me for all the things I did, things I did for _her_." He sounds petulant for only a moment, but she catches it and grabs on without a second thought.

"What about you? Have you forgiven her for not understanding what you went through by pushing her away?" The question makes him silent and vaguely uncomfortable for a moment, while he weighs his options mentally and tries not to give into her whims. Unfortunately, Hitsugaya's playing a game that she's invented with all the cards stacked high against him, his own hand is a losing one.

"I will," he mutters, turning away as if embarrassed by what he's just said.

"_But_…"

"But not yet." His face flames at the admonishment, hating his own childishness. But he'd been doing this for so long, holding himself back for her, and yet she managed to unfairly blame him for all of the problems between them. It was as if he could never win, always caught between what he'd thought was right and what she had wanted from him, and those impossible circumstances were baggage that were carried along with them into adulthood.

"See, that's the problem." Tatsuki nods, arms crossed over her chest and looking very sure of herself. It only makes his frown deepen, feeling as if it was now permanently etched into his skin. When he asks what she means, he doesn't hold the barbs from his voice. Right now, he's starting to think that this girl is full of crap, and that this was a total waste of his time. But she's not so easily stopped, as she meets his eyes, forcing him to lean back slightly when she lectures him with authority far beyond her standing.

"You both make so many excuses and huge deals out of nothing that you forget why you even wanted to be together in the first place. You revert to those adolescent habits of running away from each other and focusing that unrequited love in other areas so you feel like you're not being a nuisance, but for some reason still wait for the other to come after you.

"But neither of you are in high school anymore, and neither of you have anything to hide from each other either. In the end, you're both just scared of being rejected after making each other wait for so long without good reason, but have too much pride to say 'I'm sorry.'"

It's painfully logical how she breaks down his and Karin's entire history as if everything was so simple. But it hadn't felt that way so many years ago, and it definitely didn't feel that way now. And yet, in the dim light of the bar, he looks at his unexpected savior with her omniscient eyes, he knows he's not getting another chance. Tatsuki has laid down the groundwork for him to make the next move, to break this merry-go-round of emotion once and for all.

"You might be fighting a losing war, Hitsugaya." Her words are void of sympathy and pity, but the unnamed sentiment is there. Because there's always a chance her heart could change, that it could turn away from him before he gets to her, and their romance will end long before it starts. "There's a chance that you might be the only one waiting in the end."

"If it comes to that, then I guess it can't be helped," he speaks, voice soft in volume but weary from this long, winding journey. Because he knows what it means if Karin moves on, his decision made many years ago when he first found himself in love and so sadly on his own. For him, there was only one person he could imagine spending his life with, even now after all this time. And so he smiles to himself for a second, feeling that old desperation slowly come back into his bones.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:<strong> Curious, _very_ _curious_... I hope that you all enjoyed this rather emotion-filled chapter and perhaps Toushirou has won over a few more supporters. (I felt so bad for him after the first chapter. No one liked him. Hehe.) Karin will be back for the next part, so I hope you'll tune into the upcoming chapter too. Please feel free to review, favorite and alert! I'm a review-lover myself. ^^

Oh, and just in case anyone was wondering, this story wasn't my AU multi-chapter that I hinted at at the end of "Homecoming or Coming Home?" My actual story was supposed to be a romantic comedy of sorts, but this thing has been eating up my life lately so I haven't written anything for the other. Sorry to disappoint, but the drama here will resolve itself and hopefully I can bring back these characters and put them in a more fun story line. Also, I have an IchiRuki that is attacking my brain so I might be delayed a bit because I really want to write it and get it over with. XD

Anyway, thanks again, everyone!


	4. The Ending

**AN:** I am going to say I'm soooo sorry for this late update. Two words: writer's block. I could not kick that thing down no matter how hard I tried. :( But! I am happy to say that the hardest chapter is over and that the ending is almost done. Is it satisfactory? I don't know about anyone else, but it is for me. I actually had certain themes I wanted to be highlighted and the ending attempts to tie everything together. You'll see when I post it. Haha. Read and enjoy.

_Warnings_: Some major surprises (or not?) ahead.

* * *

><p><em>Twenty-Seven Years Old<em>

It's Ichigo and Rukia's wedding, and the whole room is bathed in white and bright lights.

The ceremony had been quick, simple in its execution but extravagant in look and price, as was expected of someone with Kuchiki status. Most of those details had been out of the couple's hands and completely sorted through by the main house, their choices overruling anything the small bride tried to suggest. Her brother had taken her aside, explaining that this was how their family did things, regardless of one's desires (or bridal rights, if you asked Rukia). In exchange for her go-along, he had gained the permission of the elders to allow her to determine the reception's proceedings. While it hadn't eased her anger, it did make her feel better that she had some aspect of control over her supposed 'happiest day.'

It explains the western feel of the party, full of tables and chairs decorated with lace table clothes and rented china, giving off a much more laidback air. Ichigo's nervousness at the wedding had mostly been about his manners and décor, two traits he decidedly lacked, which was why he looked forward to the after party. He had always been a man who hadn't handled tradition well, too used to living his life on the fly. Luckily, he now had Rukia to provide a bit of balance.

Sitting in her bridesmaid's gown, Karin smiled at the happy couple, who were dancing their first dance and mouthing things to each other that no one else could hear. It makes her heart pound a little, thinking that one day she too would appear as radiant and joyful as her sister-in-law, who seemed to glow like the perfect jewel in a priceless crown. Now the only question was who would be the one to make her so happy.

Unconsciously, her eyes shift to the other side of the table, until they settle on a familiar face. While she'd seen him just recently, it had been a long time since she and Toushirou held a real conversation, one that wasn't about the weather and work and other inquiries about neutral topics that neither had particular interest in. Because they needed to play it safe, and there was little safer than essentially talking about nothing at all.

She takes the flute of champagne in front of her and stands, deciding that it's grown stuffy in the large hall. Truthfully, she just isn't sure she can keep smiling and _aww_-ing over the newlyweds, who she loved and cherished but who she couldn't help but be embarrassingly envious over. Their love had been easy, no problems communicating or any of those drama-like problems that seemed to arise between soul mates. Perhaps there were such people who got it everything right without trying; if so, then they were definitely among them.

Outside in the warm summer air, the moonlight falls gently onto Karin in her lavender dress, its bottom skirting across the floor. She moves about the hotel's garden in careful austere silence, noticing how the large plantation of flowers and greenery would make any gardener squirm with delight. While she may not have nearly that much green knowledge, the dark doesn't take away an inch of its beauty. All of it makes her feel very small, a tiny part of the vast scenery.

"Oh, Karin-chan, is that you?"

Her eyes catch the form of a tuxedo-clad Ishida, who seemed to be out for the same reason as her. He's sitting on a stone bench, well-hidden behind a rather massive bush that had been trimmed to resemble a wall. She smiles when she sees him and makes her way over, him scooting over gently to accommodate her. _Ah_, men with manners. She hadn't seen enough of them lately so his company was particularly refreshing.

"What're you doing out here, Ishida? I would think you'd be dancing with Inoue-san by now," Karin teases, and it hits the mark right on the head. Even without light, she can see him color, practically feel the heat radiate off him, even when he turns away to hide his embarrassment.

"Ah, well, maybe later," he offers, looking composed and yet utterly flustered at the same time. Let it not go unsaid that Uryu was a sweetheart beneath that cold facade of his, a catch in anyone's book, and it made Karin a little happier to know that so many of her friends were in love. They sit quietly for a while, as time passes between them and he breaks the calm.

"You know, rumors have been going around about you. And Hitsugaya-kun."

It puts her on edge, back stiffening as her eyes narrowed, the posture daring him to repeat himself. She's exactly like her brother, all action and no thought when it comes to matters that require a more delicate touch. A sigh gathers in his chest, but he holds it in, not wanting to offend her. Karin might be small but she was far from delicate, and he wasn't young enough or stupid enough to try and test her.

"What have you heard?"

"Many things. You know our group, nothing happens without everyone knowing about it." Pushing up his glasses, they flash a bit at her, blinding for a second. She forgets how intelligent this man is, that he can calculate scenarios in his head faster than anyone else she knows. He's dangerous, but his words are deceptively accurate, almost fortunes in themselves. She wonders if he'll lend her some of that power.

"Are you Tatsuki-chan tonight?" she asks, nonchalant but with underlying heat beneath it. "Going to try and play matchmaker for me and Toushirou? I'm willing to listen if it's coming from you, Ishida. At least I'll get it from someone who knows Hitsugaya better than me."

"You're still the closest one to Hitsugaya. Do not mistake years of silence for distance," he renounces, all wisdom and no coating. She smirks, not disappointed in the slightest.

"So what are you going to say? That I should go with Hitsugaya? That I'm being stupid for being too prideful and just let him sweep me off my feet? Because that's the direction everyone else has been pointing me in." So desperate to see Karin and Toushirou together at last, both had been poked and prodded at indiscreetly by their friends and family for quite a while now. Of course, she had bore the brunt of it, since she was the one that was acting notoriously hardheaded. All of their well meaning words had only served to drive an even greater wedge between them in her mind, the meddling doing nothing to sway her opinion. And now Uryuu was here, ready to be an actual voice of reason; she wasn't sure if she'd be able to disagree.

"I haven't said anything yet. In fact, I think you should do the opposite," he shrugs easily. It's delivered just as she knows him to be: short, precise but more than enough to kill. Her jaw nearly drops at the admission, her eyes as large as saucers. It's the first time that someone's agreed with her current methods of not giving in and it's all so very odd. She's almost scared what he's going to say next.

"Then what should I do…?"

"What you want and not what others are telling you." He turns back to face her, smirking conspiratorially. "Of course, you've always been good at that on your own."

"So, wait, I'm confused," she says, her head feeling very faint all of a sudden. "You're saying that I should just keep doing what I'm doing, right? But aren't you here to push me into the 'happily-ever-after' that everyone else keeps talking about?"

He becomes eerily silent then, contemplative if the way he looks towards the ground means anything. But she's waited a long time to hear an opinion that matches her own, one that justifies her years of anger and numerous brush-offs, trying to pick up the pieces of an almost-but-not-quite love affair. Even now, she still cuts herself on the glass of her past, determined to rebuild and move on, as hard as it is. But in the humid summer heat, she feels as if this night could change everything and it's more than a little terrifying.

"I don't wanna lead you down the path of your own destruction," he begins, looking up at her from beneath those wire frames, "But I also believe that if you're still this undecided, then you need some advice."

"Then what's yours?" She lets out a huff, impatience underlining it. But on the inside, she can feel the anticipation and maybe even a little dread creep in. "I keep getting vague bullshit that doesn't really mean anything."

"My advice?" He smirks, chuckling to himself before he stands up. She raises a brow at him, a perplexed look as she watches him walk away. Before she can call him back, he replies in that annoyingly straightforward tone of his. "Sometimes the best advice is to screw everyone else's and go with your gut. I'm not here to give you my opinion on your life. I'm just hoping you'll just keep moving forward and make up your own."

He's like a flash of gold in a pan, here one second and gone the next. But he's left her with food for thought, forcing her to see this trial in a new light. Because Ishida was right, the insightful bastard. Of course it would be someone as arrogant and all-knowing to know exactly what to say and the right way to say it. Everyone else was looking at the end, as if her suffering and Toushirou's inner conflict were means that could be easily swept away and forgotten by their so-called love.

But who were they to say what was best for him and her? And what kind of person was she, that a few kind, leading but misguided words would change her entire outlook on life? Because she knew that she loved Toushirou (had never really stopped if she was a little more honest with herself) but how much of it was the kind that brought Ichigo and Rukia together, or Ishida and Orihime, or even her parents?

There wasn't enough between them for her to love him like that, she thought sadly. But she did acknowledge that there was enough to forgive him at the very least. Because a friendship as amazing as theirs was worth fighting for, and hopefully strong enough to pull down all those walls between them. It wouldn't be an easy thing, trying to transverse time and space and cultivated defenses to reclaim that old comfortable relation, and she didn't know if her feelings would resurface again, powerful and unwanted. But if there was any time for a new start, then perhaps this was it. If her brother could take a leap of faith with someone he loved, maybe she could make that last bit of effort and reach out for Toushirou too.

"Karin?"

_Say the devil's name and he will come_, she thinks to herself, turning to see a face she hadn't looked at properly in years. But there's no doubt that he's still as devastating as ever, his show-colored locks shining in the moonlight and adorned partially in shadows. The look reminds her of a certain night a few years ago, when she felt her world crashing down around her ears at his confession and her own heartbreaking realization.

It doesn't do that her heart finds that comfortable speed, reacting to him as if he had never left. But she knows that some things can change and others cannot, and that response was surely the former. This between them, this tense atmosphere washed in uncertainty, this could definitely be changed into a better one. And maybe now she was at an age where she could be the catalyst to see it happen rather than a byproduct of life's mysterious workings.

"Hey," she says, smiling lightly and hoping it reaches her eyes. She pats the seat next to her, the invite stiff but certainly better than letting him stand and watch with those ice blue eyes. He takes it, though the slowness of his body speaks of reluctance and questionable surety. But when it came to Karin, he never had been good at mastering his own emotions. A particularly fatal flaw, if there ever was one.

"How've you been?" It's all so painfully the same as it was before, strained in a way that makes both of them wince inwardly. Because both of them know that there is so much sitting in that foot between them, and that the time they've lost can never be regained. She wonders if the same can be said of their former closeness.

But then something in her mind startles her and then the voice of her five year old self can be heard, the fearless part that did the oddest things for attention and played off every insult with one of her own. It was with this innocence that she first met him, the part that knew the older boy best and had loved him longest. She channels it unconsciously, as warmth fills her chest when she finds some of that ballsy courage she hadn't felt in the longest time.

"Let's not beat around the bush," she says, turning to him with fire that catches him by surprise. It's less about the amount of emotion she shows (though it is a drastic change from her careful indifference) but the kind. Because he recognizes it, the look of naively playful fire that he thought she'd lost after her mother had died, the one that had attracted him then they were children. The unbidden smile that reaches his face makes her falter a little and now she's certain that this isn't going to be like their last meeting or any one before. This time, there's a spark of hope lighting up between them, one that could rekindle their friendship all over again.

It should be scary, absolutely terrifying really, to rebuild an entire lifetime with another person when it had gone so wrong in a moment. But funnily enough, it's not. Not with Hitsugaya, who looks at her with the same adoration that he had for her when she was a kid, the one that she chased after relentlessly. She moves to face him fully, her eyes dark and mischievous, as if she's got a secret she wants to tell. It turns back the clock so that just for tonight they're kids again, sitting in her living room and sharing stories after a particularly long vacation.

"So," she continues, the giddiness in her chest rising as the night wraps blankets them like an old, worn-out cover, "what have I missed?"

Sometimes, all it takes is a stroke of chance to find all the right answers.

* * *

><p><em>Twenty-Eight Years Old<em>

"_Oi_, pay attention!"

A rather bored looking Hitsugaya looks up at his companion, who holds up two shirts for his choice. The dullness in his gaze almost has her walking over to him and hitting the backside of his head. If he wasn't going to be useful to her, then he needed to get out of her apartment. Currently, all he was doing was stressing her out even more, as she huffed and tapped her foot impatiently.

"I don't think it matters…" he replies, looking between the maroon blouse and the white fringed one. The look of contempt he gets makes him raise a brow, infuriatingly at ease under her anger. Truly, he would probably never understand women, no matter how long he lived.

"I don't know why I bother! Why are you even here?" she complains, stomping down the hall to her bedroom and rifling through her closet again. It makes him grin to himself, as he reclines on the plush seat and watches a re-run of a recent soccer game, the play-offs beginning next week. He's immersed when she steps back in ten minutes later, looking much more put together.

"I liked the other one better," he says, seeing that she's put on the dark purple. It's complemented with a black skirt and silver jewelry, dressed up but not overly so. It's suitable enough, considering where she's going and the occasion.

After all, it wasn't often that Karin went on dates.

Until recently, she hadn't found anyone worthwhile, just playing the field as she had when she was in college. And it was always the same routine, one that she was getting very bored with. Weirdly enough, along the way Hitsugaya had become a part of it, someone who doubled as both a second opinion and her voice of reason in important choices. Usually he was more helpful than he was currently being, able to spot the perfect outfit or key accessory without so much as a scan. If she didn't know him so well, Karin would swear he was gay.

"And that's why I picked this one." She stuck her tongue out childishly, head tilted as she stubbornly tried to get her earring into its proper place. But it's just not her night, as she gives up with a puff, exaggeratedly irritated. Sighing, he knows he has to do something to appease her or she'd stew on it and become snappy. He deals enough with her mood swings as is; the best he could do was try and prevent a few.

"Come here." He gets up, moving towards her and she meets him halfway, smiling happily at his help. Over the last few years, he's gotten good at doubling as both her best friend and as-necessary girlfriend, even though he finds it wholly demeaning.

The night of her brother's wedding had set off a domino effect, a slow and meticulous restoration of the foundation to their friendship. They had shared years' worth of histories and anecdotes, both delving into deeper subjects that they hadn't been able to before, testing the boundaries of their newly reformed relation. It was a pleasant surprise to find that they were both still mind-numbingly similar, their tastes so congruent that they laughed more then than had in a long time. There was some comfort in the knowledge that while they had matured and grown apart, it was almost easy to come back together.

But it wasn't a perfect union, as nothing ever truly was. Of course there were certain subjects they couldn't breach, not without some of that old blame or confrontation cropping up. Past relationships were glazed over awkwardly, mostly done out of some innate need to be fully honest, and what they were to each other was still as big a mystery now as it was years ago. But Hitsugaya never pushed for answers, understanding that having even a semblance of what they had before was infinitely better than nothing at all. And Karin never offered any, particularly because she didn't know herself, scared of what she might find out about herself if she tried to answer them. They had finally reached an easy medium, one that was still solidifying but fragile to touch. Neither wanted to be the one to shatter it.

As he finishes the task, Karin smiles thankfully at him, going to grab her coat and purse. He turns off the television, going to the door and putting on his shoes without rush. She's stumbling after him, getting on a pair of heels as he keeps the door open, body language showing his impatience in the face of her unpreparedness. She was going to be late and it was all because she couldn't pick a shirt. An embarrassing excuse, in his silent opinion. She just sticks her tongue out at him for good measure.

They make their way to the elevator, taking it down to the parking lot. When they part ways, he hugs her goodbye, wishing her luck as much as he can. Inwardly, Karin knows that every time this happens she hurts him, as he watches her go and drive so determinedly away. He never says so out loud, but it's there in the stiffness of his shoulders, the slowness in the way he retracts his limbs. And she's sure she'll see it in his face too, but she doesn't dare look there or back at him because she knows she won't be able to leave him if she does. Because with every step Karin takes away from him, the stronger she can feel the reluctance pulling her back. Even with all the progress they've made through the years, sometimes it feels like they haven't gotten anywhere at all.

* * *

><p><em>Thirty Years Old<em>

"Are you ready, Karin?"

The knock on the door jars her from her thoughts, her head spinning at the insanity. Straightening her back, she smoothes out the wrinkles of her dress, meticulous and nervous, seen in the way she moves. This wasn't just any ordinary day. No, this was the day that every girl dreamed of, wasn't it? Not her, of course, but most women would say they had it planned out to the very last detail: colors, flowers, venue, you name it.

But Karin was never one to put much effort into a wedding, even if it was her own.

And she'd never understood those brides who got cold feet, who couldn't find the strength to just walk down the aisle and make the commitment that every person was looking for. It wasn't rocket science. The only thing that would change was your relationship status and your last name. Before now, running away from the one you loved seemed absolutely ridiculous. But at the moment, she was feeling that same nervousness, wondering if she was making the right decision.

"I'm ready," she lies, the door opening as her father steps in. All of his usual erratic energy is gone, replaced by a calm he rarely used with his family. But his eyes are bright and shining, dark like hers and enthralled with happiness. His little girl was getting married, making this both the greatest and worst day to be a father.

"Dad?" she asks, as she takes his arm and start towards the door. He looks at her, eyebrows raised in inquiry. She takes a deep breath then, the bodice of the dress somehow feeling even tighter that it did before, as she stares up at him with forlorn eyes. The indecision is there, sitting deep within her and he feels the need to protect her all over again; she'd never really stop being his little girl.

"Am I doing the right thing?"

_Is there any good way to answer that?_ he ponders, a small frown touching his lips. He doesn't know what to say. His own wedding had been the happiest day of his life, and if he had even the slightest bit of jitters, they had disappeared as soon as Masaki appeared at the back of the cathedral, smiling with all the confidence he hadn't had. But not everyone is as sure as him, and he's never wanted anything less for his own children. So, he puts that dopey frown on his face and hugs her, being as gentle as he possibly can.

"Do me a favor and ask yourself that question once you get to the church," he says, loosening his grip as she stares up at him in wonder. He smiles as he realizes that she hasn't looked at him that way in a long time, not since she was a child and he took her by one hand, his wife holding the other. His heart shakes at the resemblance.

"When you get there, look right at your groom and that's where your answer will be. If you change your mind, then turn back and run. I won't blame you, and you won't regret it either."

Advice isn't usually his forte, but for once Kurosaki Isshin has said exactly the right thing. As a small, grateful smile spreads across her face, Karin can feel the tears well up in her eyes, as she realizes that this moment was going to set the tone for the rest of her life, but that this man in front of her would forever be the greatest one she'd ever know. So she hugs him, tears streaking her face before she wipes them away quickly, embarrassed at the moment of weakness. He pretends not to see.

The church is filled with people, family and friends from both sides, all of them standing when she comes into view of the large oak doors. Their gazes are adoring, following the long trail of her gown, the white silhouette of her form and falling onto that nervous but happy smile. Later they'll tell her how radiant she was, as she took those steps with her father by her side. They'll say that she was a vision in ivory, the glinting of pearls in her veil lighting up her already beautiful features, an old token of her mother's. They'll say how happy they are for her and her groom, who is standing and looking amazed by her beauty at the altar, nearly falling over himself to take her hand when she reaches him. But she doesn't hear a word of it because her father was right. Staring up at her husband, who meets her gaze as if knowing exactly what she was thinking, Karin realizes that she's been sure of many things in her life, but none nearly so much as this.

From the side, Toushirou wears both the most forlorn and most pleased expression, before he exits the hall without a word.

* * *

><p><em>Thirty-Two Years Old<em>

When Karin gives birth to her first child, both he and her husband are there.

The waiting room is rife with anticipation, the former sitting in a chair doing his best not to look anxious and the other pacing around, fidgety and filled with nervous energy. Yuzu is there with her own husband, excitedly talking about baby names, since Karin had been undecided even before she went into labor. Because her spouse has no real interest in the baby's name, he disguises it with well timed grunts and nods as she rambles. Luckily for him, Isshin takes some interest in his grandchild's newly minted moniker, though its gender was still unknown (Karin always did love a good surprise).

Ichigo is talking to his son, already five years old, and doing his best to explain childbirth that wasn't traumatizing for a school-aged boy. He's let of the hook when Rukia appears out of nowhere to soften his explanation, somehow putting it in a way that's satisfying enough for the curious boy. If Toushirou wasn't so nervous, he'd probably find amusement in her methods, the drawings of Chappy already odd but even more so with the idea of labor incorporated.

When the doctor comes out hours later, looking tired but delighted, everyone seems to breathe for the first time in hours. She tells them that Karin is ready for visitors, the bundle in her hands catching everyone's attention. The lady physician hands it off to the father, who's trembling like a leaf, eyes wide and looking uncharacteristically terrified. In other circumstances, Hitsugaya would have probably been amused, scoffing at the other man, but it's different now. This is his and Karin's first child, proof of their love and commitment in human form.

And, even after all this time, a little resentment squeezes inside his chest.

Their son is all dark hair and peach skin, looking distinctly like his father. The pride on his face glows, as the brown-haired man parades his child in front of his family, green eyes sparkling at the little miracle in his arms. Without needing to see him up close, Toushirou knows that the little infant will have his mother's dark eyes to match his hair. He also knows he probably won't be able to defend himself against them, his weakness for the gaze that could penetrate through stone was no secret. Karin was well aware of that fact.

While everyone is fussing over the new babe, he slips inside the room to see her, knowing she wouldn't like the crowd that was bound to join her in a few minutes. He wants to see how she's doing before he leaves, the hour already two in the morning and with work at eight. Sleep has never looked so tempting.

He spies her reclined in bed, eyes closed as if she was asleep. But she's not, as her stare falls on him and the widest grin splits across her face, a combination of happiness, pleasure and weariness surfacing. He meets hers with a small one of his own, reaching to take her hand and squeezing it soothingly. They're a pair that don't need words, as their eyes speak softly when he asks how she is and she replies with a roll of her own, the question moot considering her long labor and sweat-covered self. In his private opinion, she's never looked more beautiful.

Disruption comes in the form of Yuzu's squeals, as the door busts open and the entirety of her family steps in. She's hugging her twin with all her strength, eyes watering from joy and excitement and a host of other good emotions. All Karin can do it return it awkwardly, cheek pressed to the top of her sister's crown but not put out in the slightest. Her brother pats her softly on the head, smiling that reserved beam he saves only for family, and Rukia offers a small embrace of her own, telling her how wonderful she looks and what an amazing job she's done.

There's not enough strength in her to push her father away, who's grasping at his little girl in overexcited glee, tears coming down in waterfalls. Even after all these years, Toushirou isn't sure if the older man is playing the doting father on purpose or if he truly was like that. He decides not to dwell on it. And eventually her husband takes her side, leaning down to peck her softly on the lips, their newborn held between them. It doesn't hurt anymore to see them together like this, but the discomfort is still there, as he realizes that his hand is still holding hers. He loosens it, intending to let her take her son and then leave so he can head home, but he's surprised when he can't.

Karin is glaring straight up at him, irritation fitting into the curves of her face, eyebrow rising in defiance. She's still clinging to his fingers, a silent command to stay for a while embedded in the intimate gesture. No one would call her the type to shy away from closeness once she loved someone, and love him she did.

Even if it wasn't the same as the way he did her.

With those ebony irises on him, he's resigned himself to his fate. Karin has always been his greatest weakness and sadly enough she knew it too. She probably took some pride in it, as her toothy grin met his soft glare, completely aware of her victory. But he can't summon any of the soreness that usually accompanies a loss, not when she looks so gentle as she coos over her perfect little boy. Her husband wraps an arm around her, pressing his lips to her forehead. They look every bit the happy couple that they are, reveling in this once-in-a-lifetime moment and sharing it only with those who truly mattered. And even through the myriad of his emotions, he knows that it's happiness that settles in stronger than the rest.

* * *

><p><em>Thirty-Nine Years Old<em>

"You should find someone." The words take him by surprise, looking up from the scampering little boy and to his friend, her little girl sitting just a few feet to his right.

He knows exactly what she means by that little side statement, nor was he the kind to play dumb. Hitsugaya is many things, but stupid wasn't one of them. And while he's made plenty of decisions he's regretted, he's made many more that he'll never be sorry for. Letting Karin walk down the aisle, stopping himself from stopping her as she promised herself to another man?

One of the best decisions he's ever made.

Motherhood is radiant on her, as she dotes on her nearly four year old daughter, hands clapping to some rhythm they know only the toddler can hear. And the dark-haired child is absolutely enthralled, hopping up and down to the beat with the largest smile, her milk teeth perfectly aligned and her eyes crescents. He can't seem to keep his smile tapered down, watching as the adoration fills Karin's face and as it spills onto the little girl's as well.

But her attention is called elsewhere, as a butterfly falls into her field of vision and she stands up to go after it, only a meter in front of Hitsugaya. Shaking her head with a silent laugh, Karin takes a seat next to him, Toushirou unconsciously making room for her, a habit of his that he has yet to outgrown. Because it's in her life that he lives his, a constant shadow to hers that's essentially tied to her side. He finds it only right that he make some room for her when he can, as little and meaningless as it is.

"You should find someone, Toushirou," she repeats, settling down and looking at him, her children in the corner of her gaze. The indignation rises in his chest because while this isn't the first time they've had this conversation it's been a long while since the last. Years, if he remembered correctly, and he wonders why she's bringing it up now.

"I've told you before, Karin, I don't need anyone." _Not unless it's you._ The words are in the back of his mind, parked on the edge of his tongue, but he doesn't say them. He never does. He has spent years trying to keep the peace within himself, sacrificing his own desire so that he'd be able to keep his place next to her. This isn't what he wants, not by a long shot, and deep down he knows that he's only hurting himself, but this is what he's resigned himself to. When Tatsuki intervened all those years ago, he meant exactly what he said when he told her that he was prepared to be the one Karin could rely on, even if it meant he'd never have her. But even that knowledge didn't make the situation any less heartbreaking or painful.

"Toushirou…" He doesn't meet her stare, can already tell it's filled with a mix of grief and shame. Because she wants him to move on, to find something close to what she has. She wants him to have the home filled with children's laughter, the feeling of coming back to someone when he returns from work every day. But that's essentially his problem; she wants it _for_ him, not with him.

So he chooses to abstain completely.

"I'm happy, Karin," he sighs, running a hand through his hair, emotions tested and tried over the years. He wonders if no one will leave him be, will let him live in his own solitude without that sense of pity that they always direct at him. The look she gives him tells him that it'll never happen, not in this lifetime.

"You're not happy." She scowls, narrowing her glare with practiced expertise. Hitsugaya wonders if she knows he taught her that, but refrains from saying so. She'll just get mad, saying that he was trying to distract her.

"Fine, satisfied then," he shrugs, as he watches her son climb the jungle gym with his restless energy. It's so oddly familiar that the smirk that quirks the side of his lips can't be held back, a vision of a young girl with a baseball cap doing the exact same thing entering his mind. It's a mildly comforting thought, the nostalgia lost on his frustrated companion.

"You're neither of those things and we both know it."

"Regardless if I am or not, it's really none of your business, is it?" The chilliness of his tone makes her flinch and he's almost sorry for it. But she can't tell him how he should live his life any more than he can tell her how to raise her children. These matters are private, individual to each person, and if he chooses to be alone then it's his prerogative. Even if he did love her, he couldn't live by her whims, not even if his own choices hurt cause him pain.

"I just want what's best for you," she says quietly, a small frown crossing her features.

"I know you do." It's the closest they're going to get to an end, as they sit in reserved silence for the rest of their outing. If they continue, the two of them are going cross into uncharted waters and he's going to say things she won't want to hear, things that will haunt her if he ever says them again. Because there's no room for his feelings between them, not when she has finally moved on and has built a new life with someone else, someone who makes her happy.

She won't hurt him or her children, even with the acknowledgement that her own feelings haven't completely disappeared. And what was wonderful about Toushirou was that he'd never ask her to, would never impose his feelings in hoping to sway her heart elsewhere. Because even more than her, he loves the children she has with a man he respects, a man who takes care of her and understands the complexities of their friendship. And it would take someone big, someone with courage and grace to allow another man so close to his wife without feeling threatened, possessive of her.

At this point in their lives, they're still stuck in a stalemate of their own making.

* * *

><p><strong>AN<strong>: I'm super curious to know what you guys are thinking, so penny for your thoughts? (A virtual one, of course.) And for those of you who are curious about why I had Tatsuki try and push them together, it wasn't an accident. She was kind of a symbol for me, acting as the voice that the majority has, the one that you don't always agree with. It wasn't that she was wrong, but that sometimes what everyone says isn't always right every time. Just in case there are any questions about that, and I have a feeling there will be a few others. Since I don't have much else to say about this chapter, I hope that you'll review/favorite/alert, if you haven't already. I'm excited to hear everything you all have to say.

And, just because I'm in the midst of writing it, I'm planning on doing a multi-chapter HitsuKarin in the near future. Actually it was partially the cause of my writer's block because I was thinking about its plot so much. I'll give you guys the summary in the next (and final!) chapter. :) Thanks for reading, everyone!


	5. The Start

**AN**: Oh my gosh, we've reached the end! I planned to write other things before I finished this, but because this story was hanging on by a thread I just couldn't bring myself to write anything else until this one was done. My muse had stalled for a while and then she kicked the crap out of me until I agreed to finish. Guess who won? Haha.

I won't keep you! Please read the final author's note at the bottom to know a few of my thoughts, as well as what's coming up next for me once I finish a fic that's been needing an end for years (a super old Cardcaptor Sakura fic that I started when I was fourteen and needs someone to stick a fork in it). Thank you for all your thoughts and support, guys!

_Warnings_: There is lots of sadness and happiness and then more sadness. If you're emotional like me, you might need a hanky... or seven. ;)

* * *

><p><em>Forty-Two Years Old<em>

Biting back tears of bitterness, frustration, anger, Karin comes to understand that it's an effort all in vain. She's holding back a flood of embittered feelings trying to escape from her eyes, biting her lips and sniffling to attempt to look as composed as possible. But there's no one around for her to impress, much less hide her raging emotions from, and yet she persists. Because she thinks that if she hides them, maybe the dread and shame coursing through her will wash away.

But the only thing that will disappear right now is her if she doesn't get out of this torrential rainfall. Water is coming down in sheets, the sky darkened to early evening in spite of the sun's barely penetrating rays. Symbolically, the weather matches the mood in her heart, as she lets it wash away her anxiety. She's not sure if it's the numbing of her mind or her limbs that's essentially overtaking her, but it doesn't matter anymore. All she knows is that she doesn't want to suffer anymore, wants something to take away all this sorrow and leave her be. She wants to go where no one will find her, bury her soul deep into the coverings of protection she'd taught herself to build so long ago.

"_Karin!_" But, even in the middle of nowhere midst rain and hurricane winds, Toushirou will always find her.

She can't see passed her own bangs, plastered to her forehead and falling into her eyes almost as much as the water that refused to let up. But she knows he's running, holding that same dark blue umbrella she bought him one day after commenting on his inability to remember to bring his own. As soon as fall starts, she notices he never goes without it.

"Toushirou…?" she questions, but doesn't have to. It's more of a force of habit, reinforcing his constant presence by saying his name. It's so soft that he can't hear it, even though he's sheltering them both from the storm, his eyes roving over her for any injuries she might've gotten while she was out. Not noticing any, he doesn't say anything to her, doesn't childishly reprimand her like he usually would, and instead takes off his coat and wraps it around her form. The jacket's soaked to the bone, almost as much as she is, but the warmth it holds is comforting. Karin can smell the faint scent of his cologne mixing with the rainfall and crisp earth, a sign of rebirth. But in her mind, all she can think is that things are ending all around her.

Somehow he leads her lead-weighted body to his car, wrapping an arm across her shoulders and putting her in the passenger's seat before driving off in silence. Shivering, Karin knows it's only partially from the cold; the heater's on and while her clothes are wet she wasn't the type to feel vulnerable because of changes in the weather. No, her vulnerability lied elsewhere and he was going to find out exactly what it was from the source. Even for all his mind-reading, Toushirou was still only a man, one that could only figure out so much on his own.

They reach his apartment and clamber to the elevator, noticing that the rain is still going as strong as ever. The news would later call it one of the worst typhoons in recent history, knocking out power lines and bulldozing down trees in certain areas. Karin would say it was a sign, a bit of God's omniscient intervention as a release for her own pent-up emotions.

Toeing off their shoes and stepping into the hallway, she feels a bit intrusive, knowing she was dripping all over his immaculately kept floors and has probably wet more than a few of his valuables. Despite their many years together, Karin is still impressed by her best friend's home, a mix of contemporary taste and humble urban influences. It's cozy in a way that she doesn't expect of him, but perhaps that's part of its charm.

He's left her to stare at his home, but not for long. Hitsugaya has already come back, towel and a change of clothes in hand, as she notes that nothing about his expansive loft has changed. It's a strange idea; that nothing changes is a ridiculous notion in this world. Because even the strongest of mountains are brought down by the sands of time and all of the oceans' salt intermingle indiscriminately, one never staying in one place for too long.

As she takes the things from his hands, Karin knows exactly what the look in his eyes says. The second she was done he was going to talk some sense into her, lecture about how reckless she was and figure out the full reason for her insanity. It makes her pout almost imperceptibly, the sides of her mouth turning downwards slightly as her grip tightens on the towel. She doesn't need to be told where to go, just brushes past him and tries not to slip on the oak floor beneath her wet, sock-clad feet on the way to the bathroom. When she showers and changes, her movements are intentionally slow, as if prolonging her agony would prevent the pending confrontation. But Toushirou was a patient man, especially when it came to her, so it was impossible he would let her escape. After all these years, he was still going to do his best to protect her.

She wasn't sure if she was happy or terrified about that.

Shuffling into the living room while drying the rest of her hair, Karin sees him watching television, the news doling out advice to stay indoors and to contact their loved ones as soon as cell service came back. Scenes flash of areas already flooded and a chill runs up her spine when she realizes she could have been swept away by such a current if she hadn't been found.

It seems like the same thought travels through Toushirou's mind as well, his teal gaze hooded and heated with barely contained anger. She can't help but wince, and if this was another time she'd have brushed him off, patted his head and ruffled his hair as if to say he worried too much. But today was different, special in all the wrong ways. Sitting down next to him, Karin makes sure to leave a gap between them, as if the distance would protect her from his onslaught. But she knows that it's a childish thought; neither time nor space has ever been enough to separate them.

"You do know what you did today was dangerous, don't you?" he begins, voice even and neutral with iron control. She nods, feeling repentant at his chastising tone, but he continues as if she hadn't responded at all. "Alone in the middle of a rainstorm? _Really_, Karin? You've done some seriously stupid things in your life, but this one ranks _way_ up there."

"I know," she replies and it has him stopping mid-ramble, owlish eyes falling on her. The Karin he knew didn't admit defeat, didn't accept flaws or misjudgments without anything less than an argument, and the few times that she had her reaction was a churlish frown and tension-filled silence. But this? This wasn't how he expected her to react at all, and that in itself was worrisome.

"Tell me what happened." It's said in a whisper, but the tone of his voice is firm, coaxing her from her helplessness and into a place of comfort. It wraps around her like a warm comforter, masking her from the icy air outside and forcing her to relax against her will. She should be scared that another person has such an effect on her, but she's not. She's never had any reason to fear Hitsugaya, only the feelings he imparted on her long ago, feelings that she had thought faded fully over the last two decades. But she has to believe that what they say is true: first loves never die. They were a perfect example, after all. So she channels that old affection, drawing strength from it in a way she hasn't done so in a long time and the feeling bubbles over and fills her. Somehow the words come out so much easier, despite the dread and shame in them.

"We're getting a divorce."

Karin doesn't need to look at Toushirou to see the shock. She can picture the wide eyes and contracted pupils, jaw unhinged and face shocked in her head with ease. But as soon as the sentence is said, her courage goes with it, as she curls into herself. That huddled position was always a favorite of hers, as she digs her watery eyes into her knees to shield herself from the world. All she wanted was to lock away her sadness behind a dam, hoping to never deal with it again.

But Hitsugaya won't let her. He knows her well, as he moves to pull her into his arms. His masculine aroma fills her senses again, but this time she can't even summon the courage to keep on a brave face. She breaks down in front of him, curses out her anxiety and sobs into his t-shirt, a windfall of emotions that mirrors the one outside. Because she now knows what it's like to have her entire life crash and burn right before her eyes, all of it strategically placed into words and a few sheets of white paper.

He doesn't ask her what's happened, nor is he sure he even wants to know. Toushirou has always been so fiercely protective of his closest friend, holding her at arms' length for his own safety but well within reach in case he needed to catch her. But _this_, he wasn't expecting this. When she had been dating her husband, during the engagement and wedding, and even until now, he was so sure they'd make it, that they'd last. Begrudgingly, he had given the man that Karin loved so much his respect and even his friendship, two things he didn't hand over to anyone without a grain of salt. But she had cared for him so much that it only seemed right that he accept him, treat him with the honesty he saved for the likes of Ichigo or Renji.

Seeing Karin reduced to tears, he feels insatiable hate for that man.

They talk in muted tones, short sentences and locked arms. He's her security blanket, someone who would brave high speed winds for her, all because of a message he got from her brother saying that she had gone missing. And she's his most important person, someone who he lives his life through, not just with. They've become so closely in-tuned that it's hard to determine where one begins and the other ends, and perhaps that was one of their problems. They never had been able to completely sever their ties, only learning to make room for others in a world that was essentially their own.

Karin tells him of how she and her husband had been having trouble for a while, but only little things at first. Not being in sync over certain choices, arguing over insignificant matters, just minor idiosyncrasies that had gone awry. But then they started to build on each other, as old anger was buried under new fury because of things they had been holding in. Their communication had been crumbling for the last few years and yet neither wanted to acknowledge it, afraid of what it would mean if they confronted their longstanding guilt and denials. Because they were falling apart fast, deteriorating until the point that even polite conversation was becoming a struggle, almost reaching an area that even their children were giving them nervous looks. So when he served those perfectly printed lines and sheets of bolded letters, Karin had panicked, a monster of fear, wrath and revulsion filling her. So she did the only thing she could think of: she ran.

Not even noticing how the sky had darkened or how the air whipped her dark strands back into her face, she was too busy running from something, or perhaps towards something else. She hadn't been sure then, too blinded by the gnawing at the pit of her stomach to stop and really think about what she was doing or why she was doing it. Because, in her mind, the end of her marriage felt like failure, felt like she'd wasted her own time and love on someone that wasn't going to last.

Without words, he reprimands her thinking, giving her a noogie along the crown of her head that has her yelping in indignant pain. He's not buying into her pity party, not even in the slightest, and she needed to know that. Regardless of the ending, Karin was going to walk away from her marriage with much more than what she went in with. No, she might not get back the time or her vows of undying love back, but she had a wonderful life with her two children, a job that she adored and was good at and stability she'd never had before then.

Even someone like him who saw the glass half-empty more times than not knew that she was expecting too much from a love that hadn't died, but had merely run its full course. It wasn't that there was no more spark or affection between them, but that they had changed and, along with it, so had those feelings of forever. There was no shame in that, no need to be bitter that something was ending. Because every death gave way for a new birth, a new chapter of life that she would find once she was done grieving this one. There will always be new frontiers, just as long as as people were willing to keep their minds open to the possibilities.

"You are not and will never be a failure," he whispers softly, sweetly even, if she lets herself think that way. But she tries not to, isn't ready to just accept a few words as if they'll make up for twelve years of marriage that was coming apart at the seams. But luckily for her, Toushirou somehow knows how to say all the right things just when she needs them, even when he doesn't say anything at all. As she feels her eyelids close, leaning into his comforting hold, he completely encompasses her and somehow manages to put something wild and unruly in her soul at rest, giving her strength to face her husband tomorrow with more courage than she previously had. All the while, in the deepest recesses of her mind, she can't help but wonder if she'll ever truly outgrow this man, or if he'll ever know how much more she needs him than he does her.

* * *

><p><em>Forty-Seven Years Old<em>

"You can't tell me what to do! You're not my father!"

Clapping a hand over her mouth, Karin can only look at her seventeen year old son with wide eyes and horrified dread. In contrast, Toushirou has managed to maintain his composure perfectly, his face not giving anything away as the boy before him seethed with reckless anger. It doesn't show how much the words sting, his pride only slightly damaged by the blow. No, it's the unconditional love and respect that he harbors for the younger man that has Hitsugaya leveling him with a stare he rarely used.

He knows it shouldn't hurt so much, but it doesn't stop the pulsing pain inside him. Resentment and stress were things that went hand-in-hand with adolescence, boiling over and into one's daily life just as much as school, homework and friends. But hormones and that irrevocable teenage angst have a way of getting the best of even the most mature ones. Toushirou knows that he's redirecting his frustrations at him, unjustly but understandably so.

After the divorce, their father had been around, for a while at least. He was the same as he'd always been, genial and respectful to his recent ex-wife, a loving man who adored his two children. But as with all things, times had changed, along with the people affected by it. Nowadays, he came on occasion, showering his son and daughter with as much affection he could, saying how sorry he was that he couldn't be there more often because of work or some other excuse. And they clung to him, desperate for the approval that any child wanted from the man that should be in their lives.

But, unlike Karin, their father had gotten married a few years after the divorce, starting a new family with a woman he'd met a few months prior. He didn't pass judgment, didn't have any right to considering his position as a longtime bachelor who was still stuck in love. And Karin had been fine with it as well, her heart healed but guarded whenever he came around. All she wanted was what any mother did, and that meant giving her children what they deserved, a father that was around.

Unfortunately for her children, he wasn't, not enough at least. But it wasn't something that she could change; she couldn't force him to visit during every holiday or every other weekend, nor was it her responsibility. It should have been his, he should _want_ more of a relationship with his own children, with his son who was graduating with honors at the end of the school year and with a soccer scholarship to the school of his choice, with his daughter who had just won a nationwide award with a written piece on ending political corruption. They were both children who took after their parents so much and yet had one parent who was cancelling more times than he was visiting and refusing to own up to it.

It was him abandoning once again that led to this temper tantrum, and Karin's son had to bite back an expletive when he found out. As soothingly as she could, Karin made a few excuses but even she hadn't been able to say them without some of her own irritation peeking into them. Her daughter had gone up to her room, stomping more than walking, most likely to her computer. As was her nature, she was going to blog a long and emotion-filled rant, maybe include a non-descript anecdote about their absentee father.

But it had escalated when Toushirou, who happened to be over because of business, had suggested they do something tonight, the four of them together. It caused the ebony-colored man to snap, his pent-up feelings directed solely at Hitsuagaya. Because, no matter how upset one was with their father, it would still feel as if another was encroaching on his territory by trying to smooth over one of his mistakes. So the younger man lashed out, saying things he never would have if the circumstances were different or if his heart wasn't already set aflame by betrayal. When he storms outside to the backyard, both Hitsugaya and Karin watch him, taken aback by the usually serene boy's uncharacteristic rage.

"I should go talk to him…" Karin says after a moment, making a move to follow her son but a hand on her shoulder stops her. A frown mars his handsome face, as Toushirou shakes his head, telling her to give him a minute. Feelings were strong but fleeting things during his age, uncontrollable like a tempest but one that could be eased by silence and some introspection. Instead, he says that she should go see what her daughter is doing, telling her that they'd still have dinner tonight and maybe watch a movie if the two of them were up for it. She doesn't even need to ask about her brooding son because he says, 'I'll go' before walking over to the sliding glass doors, making his way over to him.

She stays for a moment to watch, seeing the stiffness in the dark-haired boy's shoulders, the tension coming from a mix of half-gone fury and his own shame and embarrassment. She can just barely see Toushirou's lips moving, saying things she was sure only other men could say to boys. And it seems to work, if the way that the stress seems to ebb away slowly and into the late afternoon air means anything. Trying as hard as she can, Karin knows it's futile to hold back the large smile on her face, happiness filling her when Toushirou loops an arm around the other boy and tousles his hair familiarly, with all signs of their previous intensity gone. The laughter trickles in, as they fall into their easy relationship, one that was as close to father-and-son as she'd ever seen.

That's when she goes up to see her daughter, pulls her into a hug and lets her cry out her sorrow. It amazes her that boys and girls handle their anger so differently and yet it all stems from the same thing, as she wipes the rivulets away and kisses her on her forehead. Karin adores her own children, more than her own life, and she wonders if there would ever be anyone who would think the same of them, someone who would love them the way she did. On her way down the stairs, she sees Toushirou in the kitchen, grabbing a drink of water, looking tired but nonetheless relieved. _Oh_, she thinks, as she realizes that the same expression must be on her face as well, _maybe there already is someone_. And it causes something to rise into her chest, a feeling of contentment she hasn't had in a long while.

He finally notices her when he looks up, so he holds out the drink expectantly. She takes it, nearly chugging it down as he moves to get another for him. The atmosphere is much too domestic and yet neither feels the need to break it; they're comfortable with each other, maybe too much so, but it doesn't spoil what they have. After a bit of silence, she speaks in a quiet wisp of her usual tone.

"Thank you… Toushirou." As she puts the glass on the counter, she turns to him fully with that grin, so uniquely hers that he'd never mistake it for anyone else's. He does the same with his own cup before moving towards her, looking much gentler than she's ever remembered him to be.

"Don't worry about it, Karin," he said with a sigh, but the barest of smiles touches his lips. He pats her head before pulling her into a hug, one that she sinks into without the slightest bit of rejection. But it's his next comment that has her pulling away with a reddened scowl when he remarks plainly, "If I remember correctly, I did some stupid things when I was seventeen too. Remember?"

"Don't be stupid," she brushes him off, trying to fight the embarrassment that seems to take residence in her face. Wasn't it at seventeen that he made that decision that put their life on this track, the one that aspired for nothing more than friendship and companionship? And wasn't she battling her own inner strife to come to terms with her own feelings at that age, effectively shutting him out of her life completely? Looking back, weren't they both a little too selfish and naively self-sacrificing, thinking they were doing the right thing when they were both so obviously hurting?

But he shakes his head and pulls her back in, the gesture much too intimate for 'just friends' and yet not nearly close enough to resemble what they truly have between them. In that moment, something clicks into place that hadn't been there before, as if they were reaching a level in their relationship that they'd foregone before now. While holding her close to his heart, Hitsugaya mumbles something softly into her hair, making her own thud just a little quicker.

"But I can't seem to help it, Karin. I've been doing stupid things when it comes to you forever."

* * *

><p><em>Fifty-Two Years Old<em>

"Do you ever wonder what could've happened between us?"

Karin sits next to Hitsugaya on the couch of his home, tea nursing delicately in her aged hands. She's many things now, mother, mentor, babysitter to her wonderful and adorable nieces and nephews. The majority of her life has been spent next to the man at her right, he himself showing no particular emotion on his face, as per usual. And yet she read him like the open book he was. A flash of something dances across his eyes, quick and almost impossible to catch to, but she sees it, waiting for his answer more anxiously than she thought she would.

His answer is short and simple. "No."

It makes something in her fade a little, the question age-old and yet completely unanswered for the longest time. Somehow, she finds it unexpected, wondering if it was her heart that was hurt or her pride. Regardless, his feelings are now hers to know, as she grins that old smile before taking a sip of tea to soothe her nerves.

"I see… Perhaps it's just me then." She jokes easily, trying to ease the slight against her. But he frowns when he hears it, those eyes of his falling to her with a hard, almost irritated stare. He forgets how she takes some of his words at face value despite their deeper meaning, and he forgets that he needs words to communicate all of his thoughts properly. Karin knows him like the back of her hand, but she's no psychic. Sometimes Hitsugaya just needs to say it aloud, no veils or cryptic messages between the lines. It's hard for him to do, but he'll try for her, try to put the last fifty or so years into something as crude and uninspiring as words.

"I've never had to wonder," he speaks, placing his porcelain glass on the coffee table before them, turning to her just as she twists her head to him, pressing him on. "I've never done so because I've never had to. Our lives have always been intertwined. Since the beginning, I have always been beside you, Karin, and you have always been with me."

It's almost philosophical in nature, but the explanation rings true; any other would likely fall short of expectations. She hated to be the one to admit it, but there were times when she took advantage of his presence, turning to him when she could have gone to someone else, probably should have chosen someone who wasn't so close to her heart. But there was no way she couldn't not tell him, especially when he appeared before her as if she'd called him there. He had been and always would be the one she cherished more than anyone else.

"I supposed we've wasted a lot of time then," she laughs, the sound a little too juvenile, too giddy even to her ears. She sees the tiny glimmer of hope in his eyes, the emotion always nearby, sitting alongside his endless patience for her. He has lived his life on her terms, always the contemplative and wise friend but never anything more. There hadn't been room in her heart for anything extra before now, and not enough trust between them to move forward. However, it seemed that it was true that there was no better healer than time, who washes away sadness and regret to make room for even stronger, more loving feelings.

"No, I don't think so," he replies, taking the warm cup from her grasp and placing it beside his own. She watches the motion carefully, noticing how his hands are still graceful and masculine despite the maturation of them. It's mesmerizing in the simplest of ways.

Hitsugaya's gaze finds hers after, fingers still warm from the heat of the drink, as he takes one of her hands in his. And then it returns, the old pitter-patter of her heart that is most definitely not normal, a rhythm that she's sure she hasn't felt this strongly in a long while. The reaction is his and his alone, brought about by the warmness of his hands and softness in his eyes. When he speaks again, she can feel something akin to a phoenix in her chest, rising from the ashes of an old love and being reborn before them.

"We were always on the right track at the right time. We just didn't know it yet."

The sun outside shines even brighter than it ever had before.

* * *

><p><em>Fifty-Seven Years Old<em>

It takes them time to walk down the aisle, much to the chagrin of their friends and family. Their union had been a longtime coming, something even her children had been waiting impatiently for, as they looked forward to giving their second father a proper title to call him by. It embarrasses Karin when her son brings it up at a family dinner, eyes dark and sharp as he asks casually.

"So, Mom, when are you gonna make an honest man out of Hitsugaya-san?"

She chokes on her food, immediately grabbing for the water that Toushirou already has out for her. He's still as intuitive as ever because he doesn't look up from his plate, as the graying woman glares at her son with death in her eyes. Perhaps it was bad parenting to do so, but her business was not his to meddle in, no matter how much she allowed him to get away with his nonsense.

"I agree, Mommy. Isn't it about time, or are you waiting for Hitsugaya-san to pop the question?" It's her daughter this time, the sly look in her eyes a mirror of her mother's from when she was young, just as conniving as she remembered it to be. Karin gets a deep sense of satisfaction when her companion discretely seems to be at a loss for air, taking his drink calmly but chugging it down with vigor. _Serves you right_, she thinks smugly. She refuses to go down alone.

They try to explain how they're just feeling it all out, trying not to jump the gun on a wedding. Marriage is supposed to be a lifelong commitment, her mother taught them, despite the fact that hers and their father's hadn't worked out. She didn't want her children to consider its sanctity any less.

But the inquiry is a valid one, their prodding directed at the fact that their courtship had lasted too long already. Decades of being in love and yet never taking that step, too comfortable and scared to upset the seemingly perfect balance, was weighing them down. They and everyone else knew that their mother loved Hitsugaya, and that it was mutual on his side. It only made sense that it became official now, if only to be recognized by the world on paper.

So when Toushirou asks for her hand three days later, Karin knows she can only say yes.

It's a small, comfortable ceremony without all the glitz and style that a younger girl might have preferred. Hitsugaya had been happy to pay for anything, the wedding his one chance to make their love official with their families and friends. But Karin is no longer a girl. There is no one to impress and certainly no one she needed to convince that this was the right idea. Instead, she could only feel the heating of happiness that he gave her when she walked down the aisle and took her to be his wife. It had been a long time coming, but it was more than worth the wait.

The reception is full of talking and eating, laughter in the form of small children dodging between legs and adults giving teasing jabs at the newlyweds. Their first dance is special, not because they finally belonged to each other but because he can finally say so without doubts, without any of the past clouding his vision. Their love had always existed, constantly changing and taking new forms as they progressed through their lives.

In a moment where he finally gets time alone, Ichigo finds him off to the side, watching as Karin takes pictures and holds her—now _their_—grandchildren with the largest smile on her face. She's always been radiant, so effervescent that it was sometimes hard for him to look at her without pinching himself when he realized that she was his. He never thought he would ever say such a thing in this lifetime.

"So, we're finally related, huh?" The voice isn't teasing or serious, just an observation of current events.

"Ah."

"Do you regret it, waiting so long?" Hitsugaya doesn't know if the answer in his head is going to make any sense, but he does his best to put it into words. There are some things that can only be understood by the people experiencing them. When his eyes meet Karin's from across the room, she lights up in a way that reminds him of the little girl he fell in love with, so exuberant and lively. It was as if this day was turning back time.

"I don't regret anything that has to do with Karin," he says slowly, watching as she excuses herself to move towards her newly dubbed husband and her brother. A sidelong glance is all that Ichigo gets before the perpetually white-haired man steps forward to intercept her, wrapping her in his arms. His last words before he leads her back to the dance floor sit heavily in Ichigo's mind.

"If one ever regrets being in love, then they were most likely never in love at all."

* * *

><p><em>Seventy-Four Years Old<em>

As they sit outside in their backyard, her wrinkled fingers entwined with his as the sun beats down one spring morning, Karin can't help but think that paradise can be found in the beauty of the dewy grass, the calming of Toushirou's fond gaze and the contentment that courses through her.

* * *

><p><em>Eighty-One Years Old<em>

It's a silent day in the Hitsugaya house, as family and old friends come to watch the last few hours of a man they'd all come to know and love. Lying in his large bed, Toushirou's no longer the youth he had been, so full of strength and life, but is now the aged man before them. But in some way his eyes are still as bright as the summer sky, his mind completely coherent in the face of death. His body has failed him not because of disease, but merely because he's been in the world too long.

Surrounded by soft cries from his daughter and grandchildren, he's not the least bit surprised to find Karin at his side, not a tear to be found but the depression almost tangible around her. It's the lowest he's ever seen her, the most draining experience she's ever encountered, and it was clawing at his insides with remorse. She'd always had so much more life compared to him; it was one of the reasons that he had fallen so deeply in love with her.

No one says a thing, can't even voice out any proper goodbyes, but they know he doesn't need them. There's no sadness in his heart, no regrets or grievances. His existence has been blessed to the brim with love and happiness, two things that most people couldn't even appreciate, let alone achieve, and he'd had more than his fair share.

His closest family had said their farewells long before now, days ago when he still had the strength to speak and respond without wearing down his already aching body. He comforts his daughter's sobbing by holding her hand, making a smile that looks more like a grimace but it only makes her cry louder, her husband coming up behind her to soothe her overwrought nerves. His son isn't much better, as he's silent but with tears streaming down his cheeks. His wife is beside herself, trying to comfort him while at the same time telling her father-in-law how good their world was because he had been in it.

All of his grandchildren watch with the saddest eyes he's ever seen on them, some crying in each other's arms, while others are in rage over their inability to save him. Knowing that this will probably be the last lesson he'll ever get to give, he gathers them close, letting a few curl on either side of him and weep with sorrow that racks their bodies. It's their first major loss and he doesn't want it to scare them, for fear of the unknown is a tragic human flaw that could lead to scarring they might never overcome. Their parents leave for the moment, as he rests his back against the pillows and looks each of them over with those ageless blue eyes.

"You know I love you all, right?" he teases, eyes sparkling with the wisdom his old age has given him. It gets nods from every one of them, those adoring gazes never leaving his face, some tear-stained and others twisted in angry sadness. But he's amazed by their strength as they try to push out those negative emotions so that they can be there for him, listen to him in spite of their own pain. The pride that fills him is boundless, knowing that he had been a part of their lives, no matter how little or great.

"I want you to know this, and keep it in mind even after I'm gone." Someone sobs, one of his youngest who's resting on his shoulder and trying to muffle her bawling. He runs a hand through her hair, providing the smallest bit of comfort he can. "Death isn't a punishment, nor should it be feared. It's something that all humans will experience through others, and eventually through themselves. That's why I don't want you to be sad for my death. I'm ready for it.

"And if nothing else, always remember this: don't live in fear of what tomorrow might bring, but in fear that you might never live a day to the fullest."

And now, three days later, the Grim Reaper is at his door, tapping softly at the window to let him in. He wants to think that everyone will be fine without him, and is sure that one day they will be. Crying is a sign of sadness, and hopefully that emotion will be able to carry each of them into acceptance. As he looks into Karin's gray-colored eyes, he frowns at the drowning misery that she's so scared to show him in full.

She wants to be strong in his last moments. He wants her to be strong long after.

With the last bit of his energy, he lifts his wrinkled hand that's holding hers and brings it to his lips. It's enough to make the dam inside her break, as she chokes down a sob in her throat. Somehow it's comforting, that the last person he sees with so much love and grief in her eyes is the one person that eases all his troubles away.

"How am I supposed to live without you?" Karin asks, voice broken and pleading for an answer she knows he can't give. And yet, even as he lies there with death sitting beside him, Toushirou still manages to surprise her, as he places the hand on his lips to his chest, over his heart, and clasping her fingers tightly, his eyes saying all the things his mouth cannot seem to form.

_You will live just as you always have, for you are the woman who I have loved for my entire lifetime. You will not die without me, but will live for yourself, for our family and friends who need you as their strength. And I will die with the greatest gift in my heart: my beautiful memories of you._

When he takes his last breath, Karin can feel the last of his heart beats before it stops in _three, two_, _one_… and then nothing. It hurts so deep, and yet his passing is calming because even in his final moment he was able to tell her everything she needed to know. She is the woman he had chosen to put before himself long before their lives even began, and he was the man who would be waiting for her at the gates of death, that precious hand of his extended. Karin has never believed in forever and she probably never would, but she knows her love for him is endless, as he carries it with him on his journey.

At the end of Hitsugaya Toushirou's life, she is smiling through her own tears.

* * *

><p><em>After Death<em>

When she dies, Karin is amazed that the afterlife is much less clouds and angels' singing and more of a picturesque land taken out of a history book, buildings only two stories high, people dressed in casual ancient wear, and without a familiar face in sight. All she remembers when she awakens is her name and little else, perhaps snatches of a time during another existence. But somehow she knows that that part of her life was a blink of an eye compared to this one, as she realizes that she's aged in reverse, her youthful complexion replacing the coarse leather of yesteryears and feeling infinitely more energetic than she could ever remember, though that wasn't saying much.

She finds herself alone in the middle of a busy street; people are clamoring passed her with friends and makeshift families, all smiling and laughing in a way that comforts her more than a pair of pearly white gates ever could. The only thing missing is someone to share this new journey with, a person who can lead her down this whole new string of fate, maybe a bit of destiny to tie them together. That's when a young man with show white hair and clear teal eyes holds out his hand while looking gentle and yet somehow fearsome, an enigmatic paradox that has appeared as if he was meant to be there, just for her.

When she takes it, Karin finds herself thinking that maybe she's come full circle.

**THE END**

* * *

><p><strong>AN:<strong> See what I did there? Haha. I couldn't help but add that bit of _Rukongai_. It only seemed fitting. :)

As I was writing this story, Shakespeare's quote ran through my mind on occasion and it embodied everything I wanted this fic to be. "The course of true love never did run smooth." At the beginning, I wrote this with the intention of something very sweet and innocent, a story that has everything working itself out easily in the end, some sadness and angst thrown in the middle for conflict. But it didn't stay that way. Still, I want to thank you all for allowing me to take you on an emotional ride that I tried so hard to put into words.

_The lessons I hope I've explained well enough_: life isn't clean cut, love is as imperfect as any human being and yet they are two inescapable parts of our lives. This story was about growing up and finding that you don't have all the answers the first time around, or the second, or even the third, but that eventually as long as you don't give up you'll find them. People make mistakes, especially in love, and for anyone who believed that Karin's or Hitsugaya's choices were odd, think about it. How many people do you know were in love and made some of the most idiotic decisions in their entire lives? Because, no matter how smart someone might be, love takes away all the logic and strips you down to nothing. And that, sometimes the only thing you should do with love is _to love_, as hard as it might be and as freely as you can.

Thank you all for reading! I'm excited to know your last thoughts, and I hope you'll read my upcoming HitsuKarin side story to "Every Day Secrets" (currently my only IchiRuki) and my intended multi-chapter stories that I will begin working on (tentatively) called "Love Contract" (IchiRuki) and "Go Against the Grain" (HitsuKarin). The latter was inspired by the lovely ichilover3's fic "Rapture" (which is a must-read for any person who loves HitsuKarin and IchiRuki with an amazing story and excellent writing—and why yes that is a shameless plug!).

Here's the long version of the summary for "Go Against the Grain": Partial AU. The Kurosaki noble family is a house filled with both traditions too old and corrupt counselors abound. Their most prominent custom: a son will inherit the position as the head of the clan. But when Isshin and Ichigo go missing on a dangerous operation for the _Gotei_ Thirteen, Masaki is left in a house full of enemies and with her newborn twins to protect.

Not knowing or caring about either child's gender, they target the Kurosaki heirs to prevent the succession of a new leader. Masaki must strike a deal with the Kuchiki House to save them and the future of the Kurosaki name. While one daughter will grow up normally in her own home, the other will be trained under the other family as the next leader. From her mother's sacrifice, Kurosaki Karin is reborn as Kurosaki Kazuto, the 29th head of the Kurosaki House. Hitsugaya/Karin; Ichigo/Rukia

I hope you'll all read it when it's ready. Before that though, I have a few fics I desperately need to finish so please be patient.

Until next time, everyone!


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